State of the Union Bumped for Sitcom Rerun
Head speechwriter Milton Hart has hinted at a possible cliffhanger ending that will leave a “fan-favorite” Cabinet member dead.
Category Archives: Politics
Bieber Facing Deportation; Tweens Advocate Immigration Reform
“It’s unfair that hardworking people are denied the right to stay here and help our nation,” said Jennifer Jones, a self-proclaimed diehard Belieber. “Justin Bieber came here to live the American Dream. Why should our country deny him that right?”
Illinois Barely Passes Obvious Fucking Bill
Despite being the clearly rational thing to do, Illinois is only the 15th state to realize the proposed bill had no effect on the people opposing it, and that it provided its supporters with basic, equal rights.
US Government Spying on Everyone and Their Mom
“It is merely a bug,” insisted NSA Director and US Army General Keith B. Alexander. “Everyone and their mother have never been, are not, and will never be under constant surveillance by the US Government. Probably.”
Photo Slideshow: ASG Proposes Additional Bans
Given the success and unanimous support of Northwestern University’s Associated Student Government’s latest move to ban on-campus tobacco possession, student representatives recently proposed a large number of additional bans designed to improve student life.
Obama Finished with GTA V Campaign, Government Resumes
“You know, most people just go through the game and do what you’re supposed to,” stated Obama. “I am the kind of guy that likes to kill every single damn person in the game. Twice. This is easier said than done.”
House GOP Concerned Female Fed Reserve Chair Might Waste Dollars on Shoes, Birth Control
Members of the House Tea Party Caucus, who frequently represents the period-costume-wearing wing of the Republican Party, began circulating a memo urging Republican senators to reject the nomination.
Republicans Privately Advocating for Return to Articles of Confederation
The Articles do not contain a president, a Supreme Court, congressional power of taxation, or congressional power to regulate trade. Such a proposal thus represents a minor increase in Republican demands during negotiations.
Congress Refuses to Compromise between Parties
Bars in the District of Columbia have been filled with congressmen all month, and private parties are held almost daily.
Evanston Congresswoman Arrested for Being a Model Citizen
“Members of Congress are expected to comply with the long-upheld standard of doing nothing right,” said Head of Congressional Security Ron Mullins.