UN Realizes It Forgot to Crown Winner in Space Race
“It was outrageous!” said Andrei Karamazov, while knocking back a flask of clear liquid that he insisted was “potato soup.”
Category Archives: Politics
Election Day “Red Wave” Leaves Behind Millions of Casualties
Casualty estimates have reached 100% for immigrants, 100% for blacks and Mexicans, and 99% for women.
Midterm Elections: The Test No One is Prepared For
“Everyone talks about Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers graduating from NU, but how are we supposed to know about Rahm Emanuel? I’m from here and I didn’t even know Chicago had a mayor,” said sophomore Johnny Howard.
Gallup Poll Shows Vicious Divide on the Definition of ‘Hooking Up’
“I don’t think sex is necessary for a hookup,” argued Gender and Sexuality professor Jezebel Ross. “It’s got to get to third base though.”
Columbus, Ohio changes name to Indigenous People, OH
Inhabitants of the city, now known as Indigenous Persons, are overwhelmingly in favor of the change as well.
OPINION: #ThanksObama
I personally had to wait to cross a street while his motorcade passed by. I thought pedestrians had the right-of-way, Mr. President.
Canadian International Student Doesn’t Give a Shit About Your Obama Stories
Colby told reporters. “I don’t feel like I should get excited about the leader of a country inferior to mine, eh?”
Obama Spotted at Deuce Thursday
Using his motorcade in place of an Uber, the leader of the free world saw no reason not to indulge in $3 beers.
FDA Bans Sale of e-Cigarettes to Minors, Ensuring Minors Will Never Want to Try e-Cigarettes
The FDA has attached an air of danger and rebellion to a product that makes its users look like they’re smoking a fucking kazoo.
Letter: Examining the Flipside Wage Gap
Is the wage gap between campus publications a result of discrimination? The underlying cause is uncertain, but jumping to conclusions in the absence of proof is totally logical.