AP Calls Illinois for Clinton Before Polls Even Open
“It’s the AP’s journalistic duty to report news when it happens or when we make it.”
Category Archives: Politics
Joe Biden Found Hiding Candy around West Wing for Next President
Biden explained it is the most important job he’s had as vice president.
Trump Star Smashed Like Trump Smashes Pussy: Without Consent
More and more Americans are becoming convinced that these were less consensual acts on Mr. Trump’s part than they were an unasked-for hammering.
Hillary: I’m Reaching Out to Everyone, But Especially You. Yes, You.
Despite the sea of people that also received her plea, you should feel honored. Be gratified.
Jill Stein: I Can Say Racist Stuff Too
“I can say racist stuff too. If the American people want me to drop a couple slurs here and there, I’ll gladly do it for the good of America.”
Breaking: NAFTA
As repeatedly cited by Donald Trump during tonight’s debate, NAFTA exists. Soon, it might not.
Wolf Blitzer Shouts “Breaking News” Before Taking Shit
Members of his family have repeatedly tried to help Blitzer break his “bad habit,” but all attempts at doing so have been fruitless.
Trump Bumps “Debates” Up List of Democratic Institutions to Destroy
Blaming an unfair system rigged by the nation’s 240-year tradition of majoritarian democracy, Mr. Trump has decided to move “debates” from their current place beneath “taxes.”
Doñald Trump Adds ñ to Name in Appeal to Latinos
His campaign almost immediately began running attack ads showing Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton coughing onto children with somber mariachi music playing in the background.
Abroad Student Decides Uganda Isn’t So Bad
Sources report that this revelation occurred when he saw Donald Trump insult veterans, Muslims, Republicans, and fucking babies in just the past week.