Category Archives: Politics

Trump Appoints Young Sheldon as Head of Homeland Security

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Since November 5th, the president-elect has made several controversial picks for top positions, including Elon Musk heading the so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE). However, even many in Trump’s inner circle have objected to his latest and boldest choice: a literal fourteen-year-old child as Secretary of Homeland Security. Sheldon Lee Cooper, of Medford, Texas, turned down a Ph.D. in physics at Caltech to join the incoming administration, saying that “the decision was a no-brainer after Meemaw took me to visit

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, Latest News, Nation, No. 396, Politics, World

Trump Creates New “BOOM Department” For Bombing His Enemies, Appoints AJ & Big Justice As Secretaries

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While some may have missed the announcement in between Trump’s creation of an “Efficiency Commission” and appointment of a sex criminal to lead the government’s law enforcement agency, the president-elect notably created a “BOOM Department” for bombing his enemies and named AJ & Big Justice as its foremen. Trump originally met AJ & Big Justice while he was working the McDonald’s drive thru. The father-son pair ordered everything on the menu for one of their viral videos and proceeded to

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 395, Politics, World, Year 17

From the Archives: “Goo Goo Ga Ga,” Says Barack Obama, 1

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We aren’t sure why, but we sat down with an infant by the name of Barack Hussein Obama II to talk all things economics, healthcare, and political reform. You know, of course, that international political demagogues and malefactors are intent on condemning the United States government’s attempts to establish liberty and democracy abroad as “imperialist.” Within the confines of your philosophy, how do you think we should best approach diplomatic relations with foreign nations whose ethical principles conflict with American

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 393, Politics, Year 17

The Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. Welcome Center is a Multi-Faceted Venue: Here’s How to Host All Your Biggest Bashes at this Home Away from Home

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The JRBJWC (gerb-jawk), as cool-kids are referring to it, announced it’s opening all four sets of its doors to travelers hoping to host gatherings at the spectacular venue. This is a guide of how to make sure your most important life events get the recognition they deserve at this wonder of the modern world. Wedding             Have the fairytale moment you deserve and kiss your forever love under the Dunkin Donuts awning. We recommend renting luxurious Greyhound party buses to

Read more Featured, Latest News, No. 386, Politics, Year 16

Despicable Me 4 Trailer Reveals Minions Led The January 6 Attack

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This past Sunday, Universal Pictures released the trailer for Despicable Me 4, revealing not only the studio’s plan of milking this franchise until its teats fall off, but also the minions’ participation in the January 6 attack on the US Capitol. Recovered security tapes shows the small tic-tac-shaped insurrectionists using their overwhelming numbers to create a living ladder to scale the Capitol’s outer fences and swarm security personnel. There is also footage of the minions replacing historical artwork with humorless

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 384, Politics, World, Year 16

Op-Ed: I Feel Like the Google Logo Gives Good Head

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One word. Six letters. You probably glance at them every single day before you look up whatever depraved topic is on your mind—but do you really SEE them?? I do. I see them. I see the greatness of the Google logo, and its potential for continued greatness, specifically in the line of work that is oral pleasure. Firstly, listen to the name itself. Google. Such a pleasant repetition of sounds in a unique combination. It’s a treat to roll the

Read more Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 383, Opinion, Politics, Religion, Sci/Tech, Year 16

Book Ban Takes Effect at Schoolhouse Rock

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Famous for its groundbreaking junction of education, music, and, um, junctions, the iconic educational institute Schoolhouse Rock has come under fire for its recent book ban. The administration has begun removing a variety of books from shelves that they have deemed to be harmful to the student body, including To Kill a Mockingbird and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your LGBTQ+ Here.” In a press conference on Tuesday, the Principal of Schoolhouse Rock, Dr. Justin A. Bill, stated, “Our children should

Read more Business, Featured, Latest News, No. 381, Politics, World, Year 16
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