From The Archives: How To Get Betty-Sue To Give You A Handy-Dandy Down By Loverās Lane, 1951
Now, Iām sure you have a lot of questions that ma and pa didnāt quite answer.
Category Archives: Articles
From the Archives: “Goo Goo Ga Ga,” Says Barack Obama, 1
We arenāt sure why, but we sat down with an infant by the name of Barack Hussein Obama II to talk all things economics, healthcare, and political reform.
Op-ed: I Should be Allowed to Kill Peopleļæ¼
Kinda got me thinking: āWhat if he just wasnāt alive anymore?ā
Op-Ed: Sorry That You’re a Former Gifted Child. I’m Still Gifted and Now Also Beautiful.
The difference is for me itās still true, and I’m extremely popular and good-looking as well.
Confused Frat Boy High Fives Girl After She Confesses She Has an IUD; “Right on dude I have two of them”
Ms. Penleggs reported a noticeable shift in the man’s face. He āfinally stopped looking at my tits and looked me in the eyes for once,ā then immediately dapped her up, proudly confessing, āoh hell yeah dude I got two of those myself.ā
Ask Flippy: How do I quietly warn tour-going High School students what they’re getting into?
Dear Flippington, If you havenāt noticed, itās that time of year again. All the high schoolers are lining up like lambs to the slaughter to visit our wonderful campus. But they donāt know the horrors. Those guides wonāt tell them about the last-minute dining hall crowds at 7, they wonāt tell them about the religious zealots on Sheridan that try to trick you into giving them your soul through free coffee, and they sure as hell wonāt tell them that
Op-Ed: Running over someone with a car is okay if you cross your toes while pushing the gas pedalļæ¼
I donāt condone violence. I donāt condone breaking traffic rules. But I do condone following honor codes typically used by children.
From The Archives: dirt for plants. sky for birds. stone for tools. all for one thing. but why penis used for 2 thingsļæ¼
I man in cave old times each day go get meat for family drink water and sleep at night. Some day think of world and wonder. Man think a lot in time. Look at ground. Dirt for plants. Look at sky. See only birds. Stone useless. Unless for tools. Everything used one think only. Makes sense to man. One to one. But man confused. Man look down. Why penis used for two things.
Ask Flippy: How does Santa get into the residence halls if thereās no chimney?ļæ¼
Iām a little concerned ā how does Santa Claus get into the dorms if they donāt have chimneys?
Heroism: Local Woman Explains Manifesting to Homeless Person
After driving five minutes from her Evanston home to Target, 26-year-old Rebecca White noticed what seemed to be an unhoused neighbor standing by the door. The woman then told the man that she could alleviate his suffering through one simple process: manifestation. āI normally would have just walked by, but today I heard one more voice than usual inside my head and it told me to talk to this unhoused man, that it could change his life,ā she said. āSo