I really thought I could be loved for who I was, but I was a fool because if you canāt handle my hyper-realistic doll collection, youāre not ready for the real me. Because the real me needs you to be okay with the five hours I need everyday to perform a seance with my porcelain dolls made with real human hair.
Not sure that we were meant to hear this.
āLeftists have taken over our education system and are teaching our children to hate America!ā a Trump administration spokesperson proclaimed to the Flipside in a recent interview. āPresident Trumpās top priority in education is to bring patriotism, western morality, and the word of the Lord back into the American classroom, and weāve decided the best way to do that is with the celebrated 2009 film Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel.ā The specific movie was chosen because it is āPerhaps
In a shocking new political move in reaction to the rush craze sweeping college campusesnationwide, Trump recently announced he would be renaming Greek life “American life.” In anexclusive interview with Trump, our Flipside reporter, dives deep into this new development. Flipside: So in our current political climate, with increased climate catastrophes and heightenedgeopolitical conflicts, what led you to focus on recoining Greek life “American life?” Trump: Well, we have to remember to be loyal to America and not the illegal
āIām not like other girlsā I think to myself as I sip my almond milk latte from my silly straw, listening to the least popular Lana Del Rey songs on Spotify. My laptop is adorned with quotes from shows obscure enough that people are impressed that I know about them, but not so obscure that they canāt recognize them and shower me with praise. And, if thatās not enough, Iām possessed by an ancient Babylonian demon and levitating and speaking in tongues.
Maybe Iām the only thing that stands between the world and the madness that is me.
Iām going to get that son of a bitch.
āIād only read about it in that book about my changing body my parents gave me when I was 13,ā he told Flipside. Although he admits to doing some āonline studyingā about the subject before he came to Northwestern, he insists that was just so he could be better prepared in case the school put on a production ofĀ Cabaret.Ā
What a quarter this has been. From late nights ripping my hair out behind a bookshelf in Core, to late nights ripping my hair out in the corner of the quiet section in Mudd, I truly feel like Iāve reached the limit of what Iām going to accomplish at Northwestern. This has all brought me to one conclusion: I could die and nothing on this campus would change. If I got rolled over by a steam roller, Iād just be
Backstabber. Et tu, AJ and Big Justice?