Northwestern Implements New Rectal COVID Testing
Northwestern Administration figured there may as well be an enjoyable experience at the end of the long-ass wait.
Category Archives: Articles
Morton Schapiro Offers U.S News & World Report ‘One Last Quickie’ Before Retirement
In his last year as the President of the Northwestern University, Morton Schapiro has announced that he will exit with a literal bang. After a series of complicated negotiations that incidentally involves a Flipside negotiator losing his innocence to U.S. President Joe Biden, Morty has finally allowed our journalists to check out the process of his last ditch attempt to bump Northwestern up to #8 on the U.S. News & World Report’s Best Colleges rankings. “You know, it’s not easy being the
Op-Ed: I Got Hit by a Bike but I Liked How It Felt
As I stood in front of the Jacobs Center, waiting to cross the street with post-Abbot nasal drip, I certainly wasn’t expecting my life to change.
The Rock Revealed to be Kidney Stone Passed by Mr. Medill
“I lost a good amount of blood that night. I was ready to put it behind me. And now you nerds are painting it for acapella auditions.”
Theater Major Shadow Boxes Before Entering Job Market
“It’s like acapella auditions all over again, but bloodier.”
‘You Matter,’ says President Schapiro as he Snarfs Down Hotdog Number Three of Welcome Back Speech
“Our team has worked very hard on today’s lunch menu and we hope it will help to foster a brighter, more vibrant community,” he said, while reaching into his coat pocket for a hotdog.
NU Marching Band Logs More Rushing Yards Than Football Team
“Carrying a small, sad, modern equivalent of Gabriel’s horn gives me to motivation to walk until my toe cartilage is worn away.”
“Go Piss Girl”: NU’s Comprehensive Guide to Avoiding UTIs
This is the Flippy-certified guide to avoiding the tangerine tinkle
Students Release Collective Sigh Of Relief After University Acknowledges “Strange And Unprecedented Times”
“It’s just really nice to know they care, you know? To know that they recognize how hard this has all been.”
Thanks to Donation from Ryan Family, NU Football Can Lose in a More Expensive Stadium
“If we’re going to stand a chance against Minnesota and Michigan, we’re going to have to spend more on our stadium,” said defensive lineman Hugo Bigman.