Op-Ed: Unless they can touch his prostate, do NOT market your presents as “Gifts For Him”
If you want to see a man’s face light up, get him something that will leave his legs shaking and booty aching.Â
Category Archives: Articles
Lonely Flappy Bird, Older Now, Waits Hopefully for Owner to Reopen App After Four Years of Solitude
He has also been practicing his speed and acrobatic skills, the agent reported, just in case the reason you left him was because he wasn’t good enough at flying. The bird swears he’s better now, even though he’s developed grey feathers and cataracts, and will be so much more fun to be around if you would just start visiting him again.
Vice President Harris Denies Thanksgiving Turkey’s Pardon While Biden Is In Surgery
“Do you think China pardons an animal before they consume thousands of members of their species? Of course not, so it’s time for us to stop being a bunch of wusses and slaughter them all.”
BP Reveals New Seasonal PR Tactic: “We Wanted To Bring Hanukkah To The Fish”
“There are about 9 million types of ground-up whitefish in your standard Gefilte,” said new company spokesperson Benjamin Cohenbaum-Goldsteinfarb. “I’m sure at least a few of them live in the Gulf, and I’m sure at least a few of those are Jewish and would appreciate some free supplies to celebrate the festival of lights.”
As punishment for botched season, football team must give up Charmin privileges
Jimmy John told reporters. “Now they have something else out of the toilet to work for—being decent enough at a sport to earn Charmin’s soft, gentle kiss.”
Desperate Black Friday Shoppers Pry Clothes from Sweatshop Children’s Small Little Fingers
69 sweatshop workers, of which 68 were lazy, slacking children, were reportedly trampled, maimed, or otherwise injured during the event.
3 Ghosts Visiting You This Christmas Eve Would LOVE It If You Could Fill Out This Really Quick Psych Survey on Your Drinking Habits
The paranormal need to sample your drinking tendencies doesn’t care for your school’s non-denominational winter break one bit.
Breaking: Kellogg Study Finds COVID Had Impact on Humans
“We cannot definitively say whether the impact of COVID was positive or negative, only that it existed” said lead researcher Daniel Hamphery. “Honestly if you guys could spread it around some more that would make it much easier for us to see what’s up in the future.”
From the Archives: Brangelina Might Be Divorcing, But At Least John Mulaney and Anna Marie Tendler are Together
“The bond that John and Anna Marie share is akin to that of a chemical bond between two francium atoms — unbreakable.”
10 Fall Sweaters that Say “The Crop Yield is Scarce and My Eldest Daughter’s Dowry is Not Enough to Attract a Viable Suitor”
“This trendy sweater can come in an array of colors and patterns to nail your socioeconomic struggles to a tee. Warm tones give off a sense of tension between the ugly, puppy-kicking, businessy businessman and the sensitive farmhand that Eloise has fallen truly, madly deeply in love with.”