Uh-Oh! Elijah Just Sat on Your Weird Kid’s Imaginary Friend
The seat that is always left open for his imaginary friend was just usurped by a mere passer-by who’s obsessed with watching baby boys get their foreskin cut off. What a creep!
Category Archives: Articles
From the Author: Help, Please. Get Me Out of Here. I’m Stuck At This Permalink
God, what a strange week I’ve had.
Op-Ed: I’m Going to Live Forever. So Far, So Good.
After the insane number of Zoom lectures that I attended during Covid, I should have died of boredom long ago, but I haven’t.
Kanye Releases Donda 3 exclusively on Tooth-tunes
stated Ye in an Instagram caption. “I’VE PARTNERED WITH THE PEOPLE OVER AT TOOTHTUNES FOR AN EXCLUSIVE DONDA 3 LISTENING EXPERIENCE ONLY TO BE ENJOYED FOR 2 MINUTES TWICE A DAY.”
DJ Moondog Sued By Estate of Famed Canine Cosmonaut Laika
“As it stands, Moondog’s face is a disgrace to the entire space race.”
VeggieTales Officially Incorporated into Biblical Canon
Diehard supporters of the Eucharist reject the pious produce, claiming that the only food group that can be connected to God is flaccid bread.
From the Distant Archives: Landmark Moments in Scientific History (Vol. II, Edition 3):can i eat tihs cactis
Use old, ancient wisdum [sic] of 20 suncycle [sic] on mothr [sic] Urth [sic] and smarts for smart thing, ask queschun [sic]: “can i (Borbra Smartbrain Elder Sciencer) eat tihs cactis?” [sic]
Op-ed: Regular Social Media Doesn’t Fuel My Superiority Complex Anymore, So You Can Now Only Find Me on Goodreads and Letterboxd
It’s important to me that when people stalk me on the internet they think “Wow, I bet she really understands the importance of symbolism,” and “Do you think she actually followed what was going on in ‘Inception,’ because it kind of seems like it?”
From the Archives: Imhotep Chalamet Looked Sooooo Toned at the CowMonkeyTurtleDragonfly Awards
“The scarab-beetle black of the tunic really made his pale, malnourished face pop.”
Will Smith Announces It Was ACTUALLY the Gemini Man Who Slapped Chris Rock
“That Gemini Man’s been after my skin ever since we finished filming, but I never would have thought he’d hit Chris Rock while I was practicing my acceptance speech in the bathroom mirror,” Smith said.