The Things I’d Do to Get a Tunnel Under This School
While the snow, accelerated by the wind, stabbed me over and over again in the eyes this week, I realized one thing: Northwestern needs a tunnel.
Category Archives: Articles
Top 5 AP Classes the Liberal Education System Will Inseminate You With
Ron DeSantis plans to order the Florida National Guard to send everyone who receives a 5 to his personal gulag.
“Am I Gay,” “Am I Autistic,” And Other Quizzes You Know the Answer to Before You Take Them
There’s no shame in being curious. It’s okay to need the internet to affirm that you enjoyed kissing your best friend “as an epic prank.” Chances are, you use random strangers or factually unfounded quizzes to answer some other questions. For example, maybe you’re not sure if an unhealthy obsession with dino nuggets and Victorian children makes you autistic. Perhaps it does. Best to check
Trump Creates New “BOOM Department” For Bombing His Enemies, Appoints AJ & Big Justice As Secretaries
While some may have missed the announcement in between Trump’s creation of an “Efficiency Commission” and appointment of a sex criminal to lead the government’s law enforcement agency, the president-elect notably created a “BOOM Department” for bombing his enemies and named AJ & Big Justice as its foremen. Trump originally met AJ & Big Justice while he was working the McDonald’s drive thru. The father-son pair ordered everything on the menu for one of their viral videos and proceeded to
Breaking: Election Results Overturned After Lebron Voices Outrage
“Nah,” reads the first post in Lebron’s thread
From the Archives: Clocking into My Shift at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory on March 25, 1911! I Have a Loving Family and Am Hopeful for the Future
I have about ten minutes before my shift starts, and I want to take this moment to be grateful for all that I have now. My husband Hugh Mann has given me so many blessings, foremost among them my lovely home-birthed children. On occasion he even allows me to utter words in public and wear pants.
From The Archives: How To Get Betty-Sue To Give You A Handy-Dandy Down By Lover’s Lane, 1951
Now, I’m sure you have a lot of questions that ma and pa didn’t quite answer.
From the Archives: “Goo Goo Ga Ga,” Says Barack Obama, 1
We aren’t sure why, but we sat down with an infant by the name of Barack Hussein Obama II to talk all things economics, healthcare, and political reform. You know, of course, that international political demagogues and malefactors are intent on condemning the United States government’s attempts to establish liberty and democracy abroad as “imperialist.” Within the confines of your philosophy, how do you think we should best approach diplomatic relations with foreign nations whose ethical principles conflict with American
Op-ed: I Should be Allowed to Kill People
Kinda got me thinking: “What if he just wasn’t alive anymore?”
Op-Ed: Sorry That You’re a Former Gifted Child. I’m Still Gifted and Now Also Beautiful.
The difference is for me it’s still true, and I’m extremely popular and good-looking as well.