Chicago-Area Adult Happy Meals to Feature Slightly Used Carburetor, Malört Shot
“I can flip this shit no problem. But I’m saving the Malört shot for the goddamn Bears game.”
Category Archives: Articles
Unintelligible Numbers In Water Bottle Filler Screen Actually Ancient Hieroglyphics Leading to the Holy Grail
“Who cares about the environment?!” he shouted from his hospital bed. “I’m trying to save all of humanity!”
Fun Fall Activities to Try when Your Horny Roommate Sexiles You for the Fifth Time This Week
It’s that time of year again. Leaves are turning hues of crimson, white girls are donning the baggy-sweater-and-leggings look, there’s a chill in the air, and — your horny roommate is texting you “can u stay out tonight?” for the fifth time this week. That’s right, you’ve been sexiled. Your first instinct may be to get mad, but try to remain calm. Remember, roommates are people too! They have needs! What was your roommate supposed to do when he encountered
White Person at Costa Rican Restaurant Really Going for Broke on Spanish Pronunciations
Chicagoan Jackson Johnson was seen Thursday night taking some real frigging swings pronouncing dishes at Taqueria de San Josè, a local restaurant specializing in Costa Rican cuisine. Johnson, a professional juggler and amateur veterinarian, requested “goockamull with chips” immediately after greeting his server with an “aloha”. He inquired if the restaurant sold “churrithzo,” and described it as “that spicy meat thing in Starbucks sandwiches.” Johnson enthusiastically described the restaurant as “authentic Latincks cuisine” to his friends. Johnson’s friends were “horrified”
Breaking: Red Line Has Declared Independence
“All these people wearing powdered wigs got onto my train car and just started debating and writing on some scroll of paper.”
A&O Blowout Reveals Featured Artist to be a Framed Picture of Jacob Collier
Collier, known for his intricate harmonic arrangements and the ability to bore nearly anyone’s date, will be traveling all the way from the color printer in Norris to Welsh-Ryan Arena to perform at Blowout this year.
Ask Flippy: Can You Quickly Check If I Bled Through My Pants But Like Don’t Make It Obvious?
If everyone sees you staring at my butt, they’ll know I’m on my period and that would obviously be the worst possible thing to happen to me or anyone in the history of time for reasons I’m unaware of, but I’d for sure have to drop out of school, so can you please just do this for me?
Hairball in the Communal Shower to Lead Conference on Diversity, Equity and Inclusion
One committee member spent 69 hours weighing the pros and cons, and literally weighing the hairballs themselves, to determine the leader of the conference.
Student discovers they can just keep riding the L: “I don’t know where the hell I am going”
It’s still unclear to reporters whether this was his first train ride ever.
Op-Ed: True Dream Fans Would’ve Seen His Face Reveal During the Capitol Riots
On January 6th, he had a chance to show off his gaming skills as he speedran right through the Capitol gates and clutched the 1v1 against the Capitol police.