We All Need to Do Our Part to Save the Ocean By Dr. Floyd M.F. Jenkins British Petroleum, more commonly known as BP, caused a terrible accident this month when their oil rig malfunctioned and began leaking. This is a new breed of oil spill — while earlier incidents (such as the Exxon-Valdez disaster) had a finite quantity of pollutant that was confined to the contents of a tanker, here the oil supply is basically limitless. This leak, which has
CHICAGO—For you, I made it seventy degrees. Now you can wear that new skirt you’ve been waiting to show off since, oh, late August. I mean, seriously, that low cut is really cute and everyone is looking at you, babe. What’s that you say an hour later? It’s raining and fifty? My bad. I can’t help but make it rain on them slightly flirtatious but ultimately shy NU girls. If it makes you feel better, I’ll throw in a little hail tonight.
By Professor John McSnoot Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought. There are three main mistakes I see in my students’ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning.
EVANSTON—Northwestern University prides itself on its nationally acclaimed theater program. Widely recognized by students across the country, Northwestern theater prepares young artists to cope with rejection, the typical outcome of real-life performance auditions. One hopeful freshman, Jeff Sachs, is actually convinced that I was aware of and had time to attend The Taming of the Shrew, a student-organized show he worked on. Sachs, a dazed theater major, clearly faltered in logic with that thought, failing to recognize that my attendance
LITTLE ROCK, AR—A month after his wife landed a position as a volunteer at the local Salvation Army, Bud Bixby worries that she is not spending enough time in the kitchen. “I don’t know,” said Bixby, staring blankly around his empty kitchen. “There used to be so much food. Now, there’s just leftovers all the time. It’s almost as if Louanne doesn’t care anymore.” Bixby has been married to his wife, Louanne, for 16 years, and this is the first
An Open Letter to the Remaining Uninfected Northwestern Student Body: We all knew this day would come, and finally it’s here. The zombie apocalypse is upon us, and for those that didn’t think to prepare in advance and complete the optional Essential NU online zombie training course, we have complied a brief guide to protect those brains you’re spending so much money to educate. Preparation/Training: If you have time before the zombies reach your dorm, break through the barriers on
Let’s not forget which race nearly elected a crazy masturbating witch and continues to pay attention to the Jersey Shore.
Dear NU Flipside, Swine flu is definitely a zombie virus. How can I survive the zombie apocalypse? Sincerely, James Walshington Well James, we here at The Northwestern Flipside have put many hours into the study of zombies and can say with great certainty that this so called “swine flu” is really a government ploy to cover up the reality that the dead are being reanimated as zombies. In the course of our studies, we have also devised a comprehensive survival
This week’s book is an enthralling epic narrative by Charles Darwin entitled On the Origin of Species, in which the protagonist travels on a fantastical voyage to a magical island off the coast of South America. While on the surface this story may seem to be one of a slightly eccentric man cavorting with animals, as would the character of a children’s book, it is my belief that much literary significance can be found in many of the characterizations. The
So I keep hearing about this Northwestern Lakefill and how it’s so glorious. Yeah, it has a nice view of Chicago. And sure, it provides people a nice place to run for a total of three months during the school year. But Lake-FILL? I think not. This supposed engineering marvel “filled in the lake” to “add more land to the Northwestern campus.” Ludicrous! The lake is barely full at all. In fact, there’s a whole shit-ton of water left in