Category Archives: Opinion

Ask Flippy: How do I quietly warn tour-going High School students what they’re getting into?

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Dear Flippington, If you havenā€™t noticed, itā€™s that time of year again. All the high schoolers are lining up like lambs to the slaughter to visit our wonderful campus. But they donā€™t know the horrors. Those guides wonā€™t tell them about the last-minute dining hall crowds at 7, they wonā€™t tell them about the religious zealots on Sheridan that try to trick you into giving them your soul through free coffee, and they sure as hell wonā€™t tell them that

Read more Ask Flippy, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 392, Opinion, Year 17

I think I’m going to eat a squirrel. They’re looking sumptuous.

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It flashes before my eyes. A streak of gray, a small chittering sound, and a set of wide eyes entice me. My mouth waters, soaks in anticipation. I must eat. The hunger consumes me, ravages my body. I am as ravenous as a skeleton waiting for its next indigestible meal. I lock eyes with the creature, my prey. It chomps on its acorn, daring me to bite. Oh squirrel, I must devour you! The sumptuous squirrels on this campus are

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 390, Opinion, World, Year 17

Op-Ed: To The Campus Coyote – Stay Away From Campus…Or Else…You Wouldn’t Want To Deal With Me On A Full Moon…

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ā€œSo, I heard there was a coyote running around campus the other day, wreaking havocā€¦hehā€¦pathetic.ā€ *I stand up from my chair, my large black boots hitting the ground. I have on a tight black top with a leather miniskirt and fishnets. I open my emerald green orbs and smile the smile of someone who is the opposite of sane.* ā€œYou want to know my name?ā€ I growl. ā€œSince when has any1 wanted 2 know my name?ā€ ā€œMost days, I lurk

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 387, Opinion, World, Year 16

Ask Flippy: Do you think Damian Lillard says “It’s Dame Time” before he has sex?

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Dear Flippy, After watching Damian Lillard win the NBA All-Star 3-Point Contest for the second straight year, a burning question came over me. Heā€™s always introduced with the phrase, ā€œItā€™s Dame Time!ā€ and then he points at his wrist accordingly. Itā€™s cool, itā€™s fun, whatever. But I began to think about its real life applications. Iā€™ve heard that Lillard is as clutch in the sheets as he is on the court. Thus, do you think he says, ā€œItā€™s Dame Time!ā€

Read more Ask Flippy, Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 386, Opinion, Sports, World, Year 16

Op-Ed: I Feel Like the Google Logo Gives Good Head

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One word. Six letters. You probably glance at them every single day before you look up whatever depraved topic is on your mindā€”but do you really SEE them?? I do. I see them. I see the greatness of the Google logo, and its potential for continued greatness, specifically in the line of work that is oral pleasure. Firstly, listen to the name itself. Google. Such a pleasant repetition of sounds in a unique combination. Itā€™s a treat to roll the

Read more Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 383, Opinion, Politics, Religion, Sci/Tech, Year 16

Op-Ed: Why I’m Basically Carmen “Carmy ‘Bear'” Berzatto Except With None of the Cooking Talent and All of the Kitchen Fires

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When I first watched FXā€™s The Bear for the first time, I saw myself in the lead, Carmen ā€œCarmy ā€˜Bearā€™ā€ Berzattoā€, except with none of the cooking talent, but all of the kitchen fires. When Carmen talked about his experiences setting kitchens on fire, I knew that the showā€™s creator, Christopher Storer, was writing this show for me. The first time I ever cooked something on the stove-top, they had to rebuild half of my house. The second time I ever cooked

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, No. 380, Opinion, Year 16
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