Op-Ed: Sorry That You’re a Former Gifted Child. I’m Still Gifted and Now Also Beautiful.
The difference is for me itās still true, and I’m extremely popular and good-looking as well.
Category Archives: Opinion
Ask Flippy: How do I quietly warn tour-going High School students what they’re getting into?
Dear Flippington, If you havenāt noticed, itās that time of year again. All the high schoolers are lining up like lambs to the slaughter to visit our wonderful campus. But they donāt know the horrors. Those guides wonāt tell them about the last-minute dining hall crowds at 7, they wonāt tell them about the religious zealots on Sheridan that try to trick you into giving them your soul through free coffee, and they sure as hell wonāt tell them that
Op-Ed: Running over someone with a car is okay if you cross your toes while pushing the gas pedalļæ¼
I donāt condone violence. I donāt condone breaking traffic rules. But I do condone following honor codes typically used by children.
I think I’m going to eat a squirrel. They’re looking sumptuous.
It flashes before my eyes. A streak of gray, a small chittering sound, and a set of wide eyes entice me. My mouth waters, soaks in anticipation. I must eat. The hunger consumes me, ravages my body. I am as ravenous as a skeleton waiting for its next indigestible meal. I lock eyes with the creature, my prey. It chomps on its acorn, daring me to bite. Oh squirrel, I must devour you! The sumptuous squirrels on this campus are
Cinema: DC Scholars Disappointed by Depiction of Jokersā Bulge In New Film: āBall to Cock Ratio Nowhere Near Canonical”
āOn that note,ā Mr. Freely continued, āI must admit the depiction of Harley Quinn, especially the breast to waist ratio, was done perfectly. I had a hard-on the whole film!ā
Op-Ed: To The Campus Coyote – Stay Away From Campus…Or Else…You Wouldn’t Want To Deal With Me On A Full Moon…
āSo, I heard there was a coyote running around campus the other day, wreaking havocā¦hehā¦pathetic.ā *I stand up from my chair, my large black boots hitting the ground. I have on a tight black top with a leather miniskirt and fishnets. I open my emerald green orbs and smile the smile of someone who is the opposite of sane.* āYou want to know my name?ā I growl. āSince when has any1 wanted 2 know my name?ā āMost days, I lurk
Ask Flippy: Do you think Damian Lillard says “It’s Dame Time” before he has sex?
Dear Flippy, After watching Damian Lillard win the NBA All-Star 3-Point Contest for the second straight year, a burning question came over me. Heās always introduced with the phrase, āItās Dame Time!ā and then he points at his wrist accordingly. Itās cool, itās fun, whatever. But I began to think about its real life applications. Iāve heard that Lillard is as clutch in the sheets as he is on the court. Thus, do you think he says, āItās Dame Time!ā
Op-Ed: I Feel Like the Google Logo Gives Good Head
One word. Six letters. You probably glance at them every single day before you look up whatever depraved topic is on your mindābut do you really SEE them?? I do. I see them. I see the greatness of the Google logo, and its potential for continued greatness, specifically in the line of work that is oral pleasure. Firstly, listen to the name itself. Google. Such a pleasant repetition of sounds in a unique combination. Itās a treat to roll the
“OH MY GOD I DON’T FUCKING CARE”: The 7 Words That Lost Me My Therapy Job
My client talked about how he felt like half a human, and all I could think about was getting my hands on a half-pound burger.
Op-Ed: Why I’m Basically Carmen “Carmy ‘Bear'” Berzatto Except With None of the Cooking Talent and All of the Kitchen Fires
When I first watched FXās The Bear for the first time, I saw myself in the lead, Carmen āCarmy āBearāā Berzattoā, except with none of the cooking talent, but all of the kitchen fires. When Carmen talked about his experiences setting kitchens on fire, I knew that the showās creator, Christopher Storer, was writing this show for me. The first time I ever cooked something on the stove-top, they had to rebuild half of my house. The second time I ever cooked