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Category Archives: Opinion

10 Points for Hufflepuff: A Magical Account of a Freshman’s Halloween Night

November 2, 2011 Gideon Resnick Leave a comment

The following document was discovered on the bathroom floor of the North-Mid Quads Hall on the morning of November 1, 2011. Written in a hurried scrawl on parchment, our editors did their best to decipher the piece, allegedly written after the local Psi-Phi Fraternity’s themed party: I think the scar really did the trick. Through the glow of the club lights, I could tell Beth was down for some snogging. We locked eyes from across the room, she in her

Girl In 6 Courses Dreads CAESAR Above All Else

May 18, 2011 Michael Davis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – With only several weeks before Spring quarter finals, some students are beginning to feel the pressure to perform well on final exams before the summer begins. However, this is not the case for Cynthia Tan, who will be finishing her second year in electrical engineering and is currently part of the BS/MS program. Though her two weeks in June are packed with exams and papers for the six courses she has been juggling throughout the quarter, Tan anticipates

I Still Can’t Believe You Never Found Those Emails

May 18, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career. I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re

Read more Articles, No. 60, Opinion, Politics

A Somali Man to America: “Cheer Up!”

April 28, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

This article was written by Aden Daar, a Somali villager. I was rummaging through the town landfill this morning, looking for some food for today’s meal, when I came across a copy of last week’s New York Times. I saw an article describing how Americans were sad. It said something about rising gas prices, unemployment, a government in disagreement, etc etc etc etc etc. Let me tell you something, America. CHEER UP! Who am I, you might ask, to order

Read more Articles, No. 57, Opinion, World

Point-Counterpoint: The Royal Wedding

April 28, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family? By Andrew Schneider Seems I can’t take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I can’t even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason

Read more Articles, No. 57, Opinion, World

How do I get off of this Listserv?

April 13, 2011 Alex Chudler Leave a comment

Seriously, how can I get off this thing? I’ve been getting these emails for like six months now ever since I put my name on some list at the events fair. I’ve never even been to an Outing Club meeting. I mean sure, rock climbing and kayaking sound great, but I just don’t have time for this stuff. How can I take my name off the list? I just don’t understand why I’m still on it. Don’t they, like, go

Class of 2015 More Diverse than Humanly Possible (By Morton Shapiro)

April 6, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

In the never-ending quest for more diversity, Northwestern has finally won. Pop open the Champaign, sake, unfiltered water—whatever your culture does. It’s time to fucking celebrate. Listen to this class breakdown and try not to be over-fucking-whelmed by the diversity rainbow. 30 percent Native American, 25 percent African American, 15 percent Asian, 10 percent from countries that haven’t even formed yet. … Let me pause to give you a second to clean off whatever you just jizzed onto your screen…

Point-Counterpoint: Should the Debate Team Celebrate Their Victory with a Party?

April 5, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

The Debate Team Deserves a Party! By Clare Roth OH HELL YES we gon’ party. (Like it’s our birthdays, gonna sip Barcardi like it’s our—wait, hold up those are the lyrics right? Yes? No? That shit was my jam back at the 7th grade parties) As you will see by the end of this debate, the answer is clear that we, the winning Northwestern Debate Team, should have a party. I’ll break it down for you. We never have anything

Read more Articles, Local, No. 54, Opinion

Does This Coat Look Good on Me?

March 4, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

I was walking down the street this afternoon when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a puddle of water. Something seemed a little off– My coat. Even though it was on. As in I was wearing it, and it was not off. But it seemed off. Does it look bad on me? It’s a plaid coat. I’m told plaid is in style, and that it brings out my hazel eyes. Is this true? It has a poofy fur

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] I Can Do Anything I Want (But Mom’s Picking Me Up at 5)

February 17, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Hey, Chris, wassup? Excited to hang out later? Oh, Jesus, dude, don’t call it a fucking playdate- ’cause we’re not sixth graders anymore, that’s why! Huh, what’s that? Your parents won’t let you go to the mall by yourself? Jesus Christ, dude, we’re thirteen! They can’t tell us what to do! And we sure as hell don’t need them! Now grow some fucking balls, call your mom, and demand that she drive us to the mall! You need to be