Dedicated to the world’s proudest Dad WOW. This is so cool. This is the coolest ever. My daughter is the best ever. I wonder if she’s having as much fun as I am? I wish I was standing up front with her so I could ask! (My wife made me stay in the back with her because during our tour of UCLA, I pushed three accepted engineering students out of the way so I could stand right behind the tour
Hey everyone. Is this tour a snooze fest or what? Who cares about the number of libraries, we’re all just here to party. Am I right guys? Who am I kidding? Of course I’m right! I even let my daughter have a party last weekend because she told me she hated me! Hey Stace, how fugly is that girl’s handbag? (I call my daughter Stace because, let’s face it, you can’t call your bestie Stacey #ew.) Anyways, I heard there
Ugh. I could totally get in here. This is dumb. I don’t even know why you would want to come to school here. Like Willie the Wildcat? Seriously? Dumb. This place is probably full of UChicago rejects. My (insert standardized state tests here) scores were in the 99th percentile. I got a letter from the Governor, the actual Governor of (insert state with said standardized test here). Northwestern would be my super safety. I’m the smart one. Mom told me.
By My Angry Feminist Roommate OH. EM. GEE. You guys (actually, that phrase is SO non-gender-neutral and totally misogynistic). You students, both female and male, who happen to be reading this well-informed and non-biased feature, Sandra Fluke is here. At Northwestern. OMG. She’s here RIGHT. NOW. Like I’m literally in the second row of Fisk 217 and I can see her. It’s like I’m BATHING in women’s liberation. I’m more excited than a gay stoner enjoying Denver’s most charming all-you-can-eat
For the first time in its storied existence, The Onion has issued an apology for its content. Many were outraged when “America’s Finest News Source” targeted 9-year-old Best Actress nominee Quvenzhané Wallis with a tasteless expletive, forcing Onion, Inc. CEO Steve Hannah to post a contrite note of regret on his site’s front page. After thorough discussion amongst The Flipside’s executive board and preferred astrologists, we have come to the decision that it is in our best interests for The
Esteemed senators, desperate wannabes. Three years ago, I attended a senate meeting. I don’t remember what the meeting was about, and I doubt anyone still remembers it. All I remember is that a lengthy argument broke out over whether a non-senator in attendance in place of an absent senator could vote in a procedural vote based on Robert’s Rules of Order.
Now that Mardi Gras is over, it’s time for us to get serious and make sacrifices that will improve our spiritual well-being. With that in mind, here are some things we are giving up for Lent.
“I fucking hate Valentine’s Day,” Said junior Peggy Ann McKay. “I have six midterms tomorrow, For DM, I must donate my marrow. My roommate is such a great bore, Dating that bro two years or more. It’s much more fun to be a whore, That’s what living in Bobb is for! They hold hands watching Netflix, They think iPhones are for self-pics. He bought her Franzia with his friend’s fake – I don’t know how much more I can take.
THE BOX IN THE BACK CORNER UNDER YOUR BED — Salutations, my dear human. It’s been years since last we met, yet it was you who gave me life, so long ago, on the electronics aisle of Toys-R-Us. It was you whose jelly-covered fingers freed me from the confines of my tamago (that’s the Japanese word for egg, if you ever wondered) with just the press of an irritatingly small button. Nearly three lustra have elapsed since last you fed
I was so torn at recess, yo. There were always some pretty fine honeys with Malibu-Rum-smooth hands, gathered around the hopscotch court, but me, I was the gangSTAR-ass player of the kickball team.