Category Archives: Opinion

Op-Ed: I think we should bring back the guillotine

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Wood frame, metal blade, disgruntled French hangman. Back in the days of the French Revolution, these were the three things you needed to kill someone, all compiled into one machine: the guillotine. But the extinction of the guillotine isn’t just about the advancement of weaponry; it is clearly indicative of a more serious problem in society: people these days don’t support blue-collar jobs, and so we need to bring back the guillotine. In the time of the guillotine, killing someone

Read more Featured, Latest News, No. 396, Opinion, Year 17

Ask Flippy: How do I quietly warn tour-going High School students what they’re getting into?

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Dear Flippington, If you haven’t noticed, it’s that time of year again. All the high schoolers are lining up like lambs to the slaughter to visit our wonderful campus. But they don’t know the horrors. Those guides won’t tell them about the last-minute dining hall crowds at 7, they won’t tell them about the religious zealots on Sheridan that try to trick you into giving them your soul through free coffee, and they sure as hell won’t tell them that

Read more Ask Flippy, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 392, Opinion, Year 17

I think I’m going to eat a squirrel. They’re looking sumptuous.

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It flashes before my eyes. A streak of gray, a small chittering sound, and a set of wide eyes entice me. My mouth waters, soaks in anticipation. I must eat. The hunger consumes me, ravages my body. I am as ravenous as a skeleton waiting for its next indigestible meal. I lock eyes with the creature, my prey. It chomps on its acorn, daring me to bite. Oh squirrel, I must devour you! The sumptuous squirrels on this campus are

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 390, Opinion, World, Year 17

Op-Ed: To The Campus Coyote – Stay Away From Campus…Or Else…You Wouldn’t Want To Deal With Me On A Full Moon…

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“So, I heard there was a coyote running around campus the other day, wreaking havoc…heh…pathetic.” *I stand up from my chair, my large black boots hitting the ground. I have on a tight black top with a leather miniskirt and fishnets. I open my emerald green orbs and smile the smile of someone who is the opposite of sane.* “You want to know my name?” I growl. “Since when has any1 wanted 2 know my name?” “Most days, I lurk

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 387, Opinion, World, Year 16

Ask Flippy: Do you think Damian Lillard says “It’s Dame Time” before he has sex?

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Dear Flippy, After watching Damian Lillard win the NBA All-Star 3-Point Contest for the second straight year, a burning question came over me. He’s always introduced with the phrase, “It’s Dame Time!” and then he points at his wrist accordingly. It’s cool, it’s fun, whatever. But I began to think about its real life applications. I’ve heard that Lillard is as clutch in the sheets as he is on the court. Thus, do you think he says, “It’s Dame Time!”

Read more Ask Flippy, Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 386, Opinion, Sports, World, Year 16
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