Morty and ROTC to Unveil New “Hands-On” Study Abroad Program in Iran
After the wildly unsuccessful “Bay of Pigs Internship Program”, it’s only natural that administration is tightening their application requirements.
Category Archives: Nation
Scarlett Johansson Becomes First Asian Woman To Be Nominated For Two Academy Awards
“Well, I’ll simply take every role that comes my way. As a proud member of a minority group, I feel like it’s my duty to act in as many movies as I can. That way, even if I end up being the only Asian actress in Hollywood, the rest of my people can feel represented by me.”
In First Sign Of Progress, Local Kindergartners And Tree Squirrels Agree To Temporary Thanksgiving Ceasefire
The conflict most likely started when Jeremy Jones – the third-stickiest member of his kindergarden class – accidentally wiped his boogers inside the tree where Snuggles usually stores his acorns.
New Study Finds Cocaine Excellent Replacement For Eating, Sleeping, Blinking, etc.
Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. “After we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it down” said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. “Our intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of
8th Generation Northwestern Legacy Student Just Spits on Application to Get In
With early decision deadlines looming, Jacob Weinberg Schapiro Ryan Fieldhouse McWilliecat VII, an 8th generation legacy, simply spat on his Northwestern University application, causing him to be accepted immediately. Admissions officers were amazed, calling McWilliecat’s application “original”, “highly personal”, and “phlegmy”. “You really can’t get more unique than Jacob’s application,” said Leah Gascoigne, head of admissions. “Here we were, holding a physical part of Jacob. We really got a good idea of who he was, and immediately admitted him; even
Wisconsin Dairy Farmers Angered by Trump Administration Support of Turkey, Abandonment of Curds as Favored Protein Source
Already, many curd groups are striking deals with the Russian and Syrian governments to remain competitive, receiving aid in the form of milk pasteurizers and arms shipments.
TRUMP IMPEACHED: That Got Your Attention, Huh Paula? Now Will You Please Let Me Talk to the Kids?
In a move preceded only twice in the history of this hallowed nation, House speaker Nancy Pelosi has begun the lengthy journey that could end in — I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore, Paula please let me talk to the kids. I’ve made mistakes. I know that. I’m not blind to my faults, babe. But I shouldn’t have to get into college at 41, feign interest at the most tedious info meetings I’ve ever been to and go through the
Sanders Overpowers Anesthesia During Emergency Surgery to Advocate for Universal Health Care
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said surgeon Liam Docter. “We gave him enough anesthesia to paralyze a horse, but he just kept telling us that health care was a human right and that the current market did nothing but feed the pockets of fat executives.”
Sunflower Field Full Of WWII Land Mines Kills 50 Photogenic White Girls
“Danger: Live Munitions and the Perfect Facebook Cover Ahead.”
Kirstjen Nielsen Resigns Upon Realizing she Forgot Where she Put the Key to the Cages
Despite what she is calling a “minor inconvenience,” Nielsen says she is trying to look on the bright side.