First Half of CDC Meeting Just Rose Bud Thorn
“We were totally gonna get to the whole testing kit thing, but Brandon brought up the point that ending on a thorn lets bad energy into the room,”
Category Archives: Nation
Flat Earth Society Speaks Out Against Dr. Fauci: “The Curve Does Not Exist”
“Join our movement today and reject the orb-obsessed mainstream.”
Fox Donates Masked Singer Costumes to Medical Professionals
“We saw this as a great opportunity to take care of our medical heroes,” said Megan Locke, a producer on the show. “Plus, the free publicity doesn’t hurt.”
Girl Scouts to Sell by Donation New “Lemon Lenins” After Turning to the “Cause of the Proletariat”
They have raised more than $20,000 which they plan to invest directly into “freeing the working class from under the thumb of laissez-faire.”
Americans Reject Subtitles, Unless It’s to Understand the Accents on Love Island UK
Americans embrace subtitles to understand terms like “pied off,” “factor 50,” and “grafting.”
Morty and ROTC to Unveil New “Hands-On” Study Abroad Program in Iran
After the wildly unsuccessful “Bay of Pigs Internship Program”, it’s only natural that administration is tightening their application requirements.
Scarlett Johansson Becomes First Asian Woman To Be Nominated For Two Academy Awards
“Well, I’ll simply take every role that comes my way. As a proud member of a minority group, I feel like it’s my duty to act in as many movies as I can. That way, even if I end up being the only Asian actress in Hollywood, the rest of my people can feel represented by me.”
In First Sign Of Progress, Local Kindergartners And Tree Squirrels Agree To Temporary Thanksgiving Ceasefire
The conflict most likely started when Jeremy Jones – the third-stickiest member of his kindergarden class – accidentally wiped his boogers inside the tree where Snuggles usually stores his acorns.
New Study Finds Cocaine Excellent Replacement For Eating, Sleeping, Blinking, etc.
Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. “After we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it down” said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. “Our intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of
8th Generation Northwestern Legacy Student Just Spits on Application to Get In
With early decision deadlines looming, Jacob Weinberg Schapiro Ryan Fieldhouse McWilliecat VII, an 8th generation legacy, simply spat on his Northwestern University application, causing him to be accepted immediately. Admissions officers were amazed, calling McWilliecat’s application “original”, “highly personal”, and “phlegmy”. “You really can’t get more unique than Jacob’s application,” said Leah Gascoigne, head of admissions. “Here we were, holding a physical part of Jacob. We really got a good idea of who he was, and immediately admitted him; even