Ask Flippy: Kamala Harris Ghosted Me on Wednesday Morning After I Sent Her $100. Am I Being Too Eager?
I was so excited to finally have a threesome with Joe and Kamala!
Category Archives: Nation
Uh-Oh! Elijah Just Sat on Your Weird Kid’s Imaginary Friend
The seat that is always left open for his imaginary friend was just usurped by a mere passer-by who’s obsessed with watching baby boys get their foreskin cut off. What a creep!
From the Distant Archives: Landmark Moments in Scientific History (Vol. II, Edition 3):can i eat tihs cactis
Use old, ancient wisdum [sic] of 20 suncycle [sic] on mothr [sic] Urth [sic] and smarts for smart thing, ask queschun [sic]: “can i (Borbra Smartbrain Elder Sciencer) eat tihs cactis?” [sic]
Gunna Announces Kidney Stone Diagnosis, to Take Hiatus from Pushing Pee
“I can’t do this pushin’ P shit anymore, man,” the “Lemonade” rapper lamented through tears via Instagram Live earlier this morning. “All I can get out is blood and little rocks, and the whole time it burns like hell – this ain’t P, dude. Like, literally. Look at this. Does that look like P to you?.”
Nancy Pelosi to Supplement Gazpacho Police with Minestrone Military
The minestrone military would consist of a beef and barley battalion, an Italian wedding infantry, and a nuclear weapons division.
From the Archives: Dr. Frankenstein says Monstrosity will be solved on a “State and Local Level”
Dr. Frankenstein has worked tirelessly for the past year containing the Monster, pushing the German population to observe distancing of 60 meters from the Monster at all times.
“It Wasn’t Anti-Semitism,” Says Organization Responsible for MLK Assassination
“Trust us, no one knows how to terrorize minorities like us. If this was a hate crime, we would be the first to know.”
Elmo Escalates Feud by Declaring War on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Johnson decided to step into the ring with the furry three-and-a-half-year-old, saying that he’ll be “coming to Sesame Street to kick ass and eat cookies, and he’s all out of cookies”
As Thanksgiving nears, uncles everywhere read a balanced variety of news, re-evaluate political beliefs, and challenge biases; nation heals
Older relatives across the United States are expanding their horizons.
New study by Nestle-Kroger-Mills-Kraft-Heinz conglomerate finds shoveling sugar into mouth at relentless pace actually good for you
The research, fondly dubbed the “Sweet Saccharin Study” undoes decades of anti-dextrose discourse. Doctors everywhere are reading the Sweet Saccharin Study with bewilderment, quitting their jobs, and wondering how they got it so wrong.