“It Wasn’t Anti-Semitism,” Says Organization Responsible for MLK Assassination
“Trust us, no one knows how to terrorize minorities like us. If this was a hate crime, we would be the first to know.”
Category Archives: Nation
Elmo Escalates Feud by Declaring War on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Johnson decided to step into the ring with the furry three-and-a-half-year-old, saying that he’ll be “coming to Sesame Street to kick ass and eat cookies, and he’s all out of cookies”
As Thanksgiving nears, uncles everywhere read a balanced variety of news, re-evaluate political beliefs, and challenge biases; nation heals
Older relatives across the United States are expanding their horizons.
New study by Nestle-Kroger-Mills-Kraft-Heinz conglomerate finds shoveling sugar into mouth at relentless pace actually good for you
The research, fondly dubbed the “Sweet Saccharin Study” undoes decades of anti-dextrose discourse. Doctors everywhere are reading the Sweet Saccharin Study with bewilderment, quitting their jobs, and wondering how they got it so wrong.
8 Neutral Things to Say Around Your Significant Other’s Conservative Parents That Will Still Get You Invited on the Yacht
“Poor people should get money…………………………… if they earn it.”
In the Name of Political Correctness, Joe Biden Refers to the “Humanitarian Crisis in Yemen” as the “Humanitarian Crisis in Yepeople”
“I call on every patriotic American to recognize that the plight of the people of Yepeople.”
Damn It! Kickass Sermon Rudely Interrupted by Rapture
The small mayonnaise boy ascended right out of the pastor’s skillful fingertips.
“Actually, War Crimes Require a Formal Declaration of War. What We do Are Just Run-of-the-Mill Human Rights Violations” Says Department of Defense
“Semantically speaking, war crimes requires a war, and we have not formally declared war since the 1940s.”
Goldilocks Publishes New Opinion Piece “Just Right: The Way Forward For American Politics”
“They would simply shove you whatever cold porridge they have, and you would be expected to not only eat it, but share it with a bunch of lazy freeloaders and pay taxes on it!”
FDA to Approve Vaccine in Fun, Kid-Friendly Flavors Such as “Tootie Fruity Immunity”
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” admitted Anthony Fauci in a joint statement with FDA director Stephen Hahn. “We’re not proud to be using Juul’s playbook, but damn, if they didn’t have a move or two in there.”