University Wonders Why Students Didn’t Check Emergency Alert Posted To YikYak Immediately After Shooting
In a press conference, President Michael Schill expressed surprise at the criticism.
Category Archives: Nation
Disney Adult Disaster: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Scroogepublicans Suspend Two Daisycratic Representatives Over Mouseketool Protest Participation
“It’s not fair to think that taking away people’s rights to a Mouseketool is justified,” Scroogepublican Speaker of the House Cameron Pete said. “I mean, sure, they’ve led to the deaths of thousands upon thousands of both children and adults. But what’s that in comparison to sweet, sweet Benjamins lining my pockets? Those uppity Daisycrats should learn some respect for our fine governing body — and the financial benefactors whose gracious hand controls all policy.”Â
Gwyneth Paltrow Wins Ski Trial, Proving That You Can Never Separate A White Woman From Her Snow 👃
After being accused of purposely running into a man while skiing, actress Gwyneth Paltrow was found innocent of wrongdoing this week, ensuring white women will always have the right to have snow up their nose. This decision comes after a furious legal battle in which the plaintiff claimed that his senses had been dulled after the collision, citing his inability to taste or smell wine. The plaintiff also stated that he could no longer participate in his other “cultural activities,”
Inspired by Disney World, Local Hospitals add Lightning Lane for a Small Premium
Lightning Lane is also available through a subscription service called Insurance+, priced at around $8,000 a year. However, Insurance+ is not available to people with preexisting conditions, on high patient capacity days, or on holidays.
Ask Flippy: Kamala Harris Ghosted Me on Wednesday Morning After I Sent Her $100. Am I Being Too Eager?
I was so excited to finally have a threesome with Joe and Kamala!
Uh-Oh! Elijah Just Sat on Your Weird Kid’s Imaginary Friend
The seat that is always left open for his imaginary friend was just usurped by a mere passer-by who’s obsessed with watching baby boys get their foreskin cut off. What a creep!
From the Distant Archives: Landmark Moments in Scientific History (Vol. II, Edition 3):can i eat tihs cactis
Use old, ancient wisdum [sic] of 20 suncycle [sic] on mothr [sic] Urth [sic] and smarts for smart thing, ask queschun [sic]: “can i (Borbra Smartbrain Elder Sciencer) eat tihs cactis?” [sic]
Gunna Announces Kidney Stone Diagnosis, to Take Hiatus from Pushing Pee
“I can’t do this pushin’ P shit anymore, man,” the “Lemonade” rapper lamented through tears via Instagram Live earlier this morning. “All I can get out is blood and little rocks, and the whole time it burns like hell – this ain’t P, dude. Like, literally. Look at this. Does that look like P to you?.”
Nancy Pelosi to Supplement Gazpacho Police with Minestrone Military
The minestrone military would consist of a beef and barley battalion, an Italian wedding infantry, and a nuclear weapons division.
From the Archives: Dr. Frankenstein says Monstrosity will be solved on a “State and Local Level”
Dr. Frankenstein has worked tirelessly for the past year containing the Monster, pushing the German population to observe distancing of 60 meters from the Monster at all times.