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Jeff Skilling On Early Prison Release: “Well, That Was a Freebie”

May 13, 2013 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

HOUSTON, TX — Jeff Skilling, the former CEO of Enron, will have 10 years removed from his prison sentence for his role in the collapse of the Houston-based energy company. Skilling could be out of prison as soon as 2017, at which point he will have spent nearly 10 years in jail. After hearing the news of his early release, Mr. Skilling sat down with The Flipside for an interview. NF: What went through your mind when you heard about your

High School Student Arrested, Deported, then Arrested Again

May 8, 2013 Dan Weinberg Leave a comment

MIAMI, FL — Failing to learn from the example of Kiera Wilmot in Bartow, FL, a Miami student, 16-year-old Gabriella Silva, arrived at Vargas High School this past Tuesday with a water bottle filled with a mixture of household cleaning products, capped with aluminum foil. A reaction between the chemicals in the cleaners and the aluminum foil produced hydrogen gas and a resulting pressure build-up inside of the bottle. Eventually the top popped off in a firecracker-like explosion with a

CNN Planning Terrorist Attack to Ensure They Get the Facts Right This Time

April 22, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

ATLANTA, GA — Following their botched reporting of last Tuesday’s Boston Marathon bombings, during which the once-venerable network continually reported unverified (and untrue) claims as fact, cable news outlet CNN has announced a controversial plan to formulate and launch a terrorist attack on US soil. Cable News Network’s parent company Time Warner hopes that by planning and executing a deadly, meticulous strike themselves, CNN’s reporters will actually be able to get the facts right this time. According to verified sources

LAPD Opens Fire on Pot Roast Mistaken for Chris Dorner’s Charred Corpse

February 20, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES, CA — Following a sprawling, state-wide search for former policeman and army reservist Christopher Dorner (in which the alleged killer is believed to have perished in a cabin fire) anxious LAPD officers opened fire on a pot roast in a butcher’s display window that officers mistook for the former suspect. Despite firing over 50 shells at the pre-cooked beef dish, officers did not manage to hit their target once, instead injuring 10 customers deeper within the shop. Thankfully,

Online Dictionary’s Pronunciation Guide Actually Quite Useless

February 2, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Toledo, OH — According to eye-witness reports from the reception desk, recent attempts by Neil Vandooren to settle a bet wagered on the pronunciation of the word “homage” resulted in a stalemate when the online dictionary consulted produced inconclusive results. Vandooren, a human resource specialist at Stevenson Mechanical Incorporated, originally proposed the bet after the word in dispute was unexpectedly used in casual conversation during his lunch break. Witnesses told The Flipside that Vandooren looked up the word on freeonlinedictionary.com,

Area Jews Celebrating Christmas Shocked Holiday is about Jesus

December 21, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

Many Jews are utterly confused on how to celebrate the holiday. Instead of the traditional honey-glazed ham dinner and nice family time around a warm fire, Jewish families have been sighted going out for Chinese food and airing their grievances.

More Time Spent Talking to Family Pets than Family

November 22, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WILMETTE, IL — While attending a Thanksgiving dinner at his cousins’ house, Northwestern Sophomore Ryan Mayled reportedly spent more time talking to his hosts’ pet dogs than to any of his distant relatives. By playing tug-of-war with the two aging Boston Terriers, Mayled successfully managed to avoid even a single venture into the living room where relatives from across the state had assembled to watch football, drink spiced apple cider, and enjoy each other’s company. Following an incredibly awkward dinner

The Flipside’s Best Ways to Accomodate Puerto Rican Star on the U.S. Flag

November 17, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO — Puerto Rico’s majority vote for statehood this past Tuesday raised perhaps the most unsettling question of the entire campaign season. For more than fifty years, the U.S. flag has represented an achievement in both symbolism and geometry, and in that light, a 51st star could be as controversial as Obamacare. We propose here the most viable solutions to this potential configurational cataclysm: 1. Combine the Dakotas, population now about the same as New Hampshire. 2.

Area Squirrel Won’t Shut Up Outside My Window

November 15, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

NEW YORK EVANSTON — As area Flipside reporter Brian Earl was sitting down to write an article about the impact Hurricane Sandy had on the New York subway system, he was rudely interrupted by a squirrel screeching outside his window. “Hurricane Sandy Ironically Clears Subway Tunnels of Sand,” typed Earl, chuckling to his handsome self, prepared to regale the world with his brilliance. All of a sudden — and mid-word, no less — a squirrel went “MRAAP MRAAP MRAAP!” “How

Entire Population of Long Island Goes Missing

October 21, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

LONG ISLAND, NY — In a bizarre coincidence, Northwestern University welcomed students’ family and friends for their annual family weekend from Friday October 19 to Sunday October 21, and the entire population of Long Island, New York has gone missing. “Where’d they go?” cried Syosset Mayor Rich Goldman. The island’s population was discovered missing on Friday night, when nearby Manhattan resident Aaron Weiner drove up to surprise his sister, her husband, and their two kids. “I was feeling lucky because the