Latest in ‘Personal Bubble’ Epidemic: Pennsylvania Outlaws Rubbing Pregnant Bellies
This new law is only one in an epidemic of legislation protecting your personal space at the expense of your freedom to give your younger siblings noogies.
Category Archives: Nation
Bill de Blasio Takes a Dump; New Yorkers Relieved
Since NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio earned the condemnation of millions of New Yorkers for eating pizza with a fork and knife, he has been on a quest to redeem himself as the champion of the middle class.
White Guilt, Jewish Guilt to Converge on Same Night
Aging Jewish seniors have already begun preparing passive-aggressive emotional blackmail for their children, grandchildren, and friends, setting a minimum quota of convincing at least TWO family members to purchase houses within a mile radius of their own.
Atheist Churches Declare Crusade to Reclaim Washington D.C.
“Forget the body and blood of Christ,” says atheist church-goer Bobby Anderson. “Cookies and beer are way better.” The movement, which began in the United Kingdom as something for atheists to do on Sunday mornings until restaurants opened for brunch, is now a worldwide phenomenon.
New FAA Regulations Rob Nation’s Pathetic Bastards of Only Opportunity to Subvert Authority
“Sneakily continuing to use our iPods after flight attendants kindly ask that we put them away is quite literally the only thrill of our lives. It is our sole opportunity for pretending that we have any modicum of power or influence, and such excitement derives exclusively from the act being forbidden.”
5 Horrifically Offensive Halloween Costumes You HAVE to See
We hope you can make it all the way through this gallery without smashing your computer screen in rage. These scumbags really are the lowest of the low.
STUDY: Under 10% of High School Graduates Prepared to Draw Bell Curves
The report demonstrates that “Bell Curve Degeneracy,” a metric developed exclusively for the report, increased from 0 to 307 between 2008 and 2012.
Government Shutdown Effectively Ends Racism
By closing all national parks, the Ku Klux Klan was forced to cancel their rally in Gettysburg National Military Park. As a result, the shutdown has ended racism.
Man Copes with Breaking Bad’s Ending by Constructing Meth Lab in Basement
The lab will be opened to the public every Sunday night to other fans unwilling to accept that their favorite show ended on its own terms without inevitably becoming awful.
Area Jews Try Not to Complain for a Day
“I’m trying really hard to show some restraint,” Goldberg continued, “but it’s not easy. I’ve been in a really grumpy mood all day since I’m fasting and I woke up with this weird ache in my back and shit, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”