NASCAR Celebrates First Openly Liberal Driver
Tandel Jr. drives the first Smart Car to be rigged up with an 850 horsepower engine.
Category Archives: Nation
Turns Out Club Penguin was Muslim
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.
Area Mom to Run Tomorrow
“Running is just one part of it; I’m also going to be eating healthier and keeping a track of my daily activities.”
Women’s March to Conveniently End at Neiman Marcus
“Many of us have returns in our trunks and they’re having a great sale—20% off to accommodate the 20% less we get on our paychecks.”
Jaded Obama Shows up to Work in Sweatpants
“Many of my sources have commented on [the recent change]. One of them compared it to high school senioritis.”
“Pladimir Vutin” Appointed to Trump Cabinet
While congressional Democrats have cited Mr. Vutin’s connections to Russian politics as both risky and say that he “isn’t even trying anymore,” President-Elect Trump stands by his candidate.
Obama to Delay Trump’s Inauguration with Four-Year Farewell Address
The address will be supplemented by recurring segments on fashion trends, daily sports picks, and live reactions to Trump tweets.
Trump Nominates Penis for Secretary of Agriculture
The truly unpresidented move comes as a surprise for the country, though it is not unusual considering his string of cabinet nominations that seem to involve people whose beliefs represent the opposite of the jobs to which they were appointed.
Nate Silver Takes IHOP Server Opening
So far, IHOP executives are “excited to have him aboard” and describe him as doing a very good job.
Weed So Totally Legal, Dude
Mimsy, a fucking moron, agrees that weed lets people connect and try to get along.