Category Archives: Local

Fun Fall Activities to Try when Your Horny Roommate Sexiles You for the Fifth Time This Week

It’s that time of year again. Leaves are turning hues of crimson, white girls are donning the baggy-sweater-and-leggings look, there’s a chill in the air, and — your horny roommate is texting you “can u stay out tonight?” for the fifth time this week. That’s right, you’ve been sexiled. Your first instinct may be to get mad, but try to remain calm. Remember, roommates are people too! They have needs! What was your roommate supposed to do when he encountered

White Person at Costa Rican Restaurant Really Going for Broke on Spanish Pronunciations

Chicagoan Jackson Johnson was seen Thursday night taking some real frigging swings pronouncing dishes at Taqueria de San Josè, a local restaurant specializing in Costa Rican cuisine. Johnson, a professional juggler and amateur veterinarian, requested “goockamull with chips” immediately after greeting his server with an “aloha”. He inquired if the restaurant sold “churrithzo,” and described it as “that spicy meat thing in Starbucks sandwiches.” Johnson enthusiastically described the restaurant as “authentic Latincks cuisine” to his friends. Johnson’s friends were “horrified”

Ancestral Ojibwe Call for End of Land Acknowledgements: “We Don’t Want Anything to Do With This Football Team.”

After Northwestern’s humiliating loss to Southern Illinois University, the Ojibwe—no longer wanting to associate with such an embarrassment of a football team—pulled out from their weekly game-time land acknowledgment. A land acknowledgement, recognizing the ancestral land upon which a particular activity or sports event takes place, is typically conducted at halftime during Northwestern football games. Vice President and Associate Provost for Diversity and Inclusion and Chief Diversity Officer Dr. Robin Coleman spoke out regarding the confusing omission at Saturday’s game.

Ask Flippy: Where Do I Find Valid Shawties Who Will Also Support My Ambitions In Political Science?

I’m just looking for a valid, down-to-earth betty who can hold my hand, both at Naturdays with the boys and on the campaign trail. Everyone knows you’re a stronger candidate with some hot wife material behind you. Plus, I still haven’t found anyone who’s willing to lay out my clothes the night before like my mom used to do – and also kiss me with tongue the way I hope my mom never does.

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