Local Mom Hopes You Had An Egg-cellent Easter
That’s all, yolks!
Category Archives: Local
Burger King To Be Open 25 Hours On 4/20
“After this 4/20, Burger King will become Burger Emperor.”
From the Archives: Ye Olde Candleshoppe in Evanston Doomed Following Implementation of Electric Lighting on NU Campus
Big time investment banker Mr. Maxwell Harrington said, “Fortunately, I can afford to purchase electric lights for my large, impressive house. The poor folk of this town are just going to have to make more money so they can ditch those obsolete candles.”
NU Researchers Discover Taking DMT Only Way to See the Invisible Spiders Crawling on Everyone’s Skin All the Time
A group of researchers here at Northwestern University has made a huge, and potentially frightening, discovery. Their report claims that there are thousands of invisible spiders crawling all over everyone at all times, and the only way to see them is to take the drug DMT. Foreseeing what they described as “ethical issues” with making civilian subjects take the drug, the researchers elected to perform the test on themselves. The scientists split into two groups, one being the control group
City Mixes Up Arbor Day and ‘Our Boar Day’, Releases Wild Boars
In what city officials are calling an “unfortunate mixup” and “a major oopsie,” dozens of wild boars were released into the local town Gilligan, IL for the celebration of Arbor Day.
Back to Back Topical Pop Culture References Solidify Professor as Cool
“She really connects to the experiences of college-age Gen-Z students like no other 60 year old woman I’ve ever met.”
Admitted Students Commence Battle for Most Obnoxious Facebook Group Member
Chandler posted three get-to-know-me posts in the group so that every new classmate could get a full picture of her.
Sex Week To Be Followed By Herpes Simplex Week
“I’ve probably got more STIs than I can count, so it’s gonna be really cool to finally find out what some of them are called.”
CRU Gathers Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians and More for Rivaling “Sect Week”
“We just thought that Sect Week would be an amazing opportunity to enlighten students on the differences and similarities between the many branches of Christianity available for their perusing pleasure.”
Congratulations to local Second Grader Joshua Fairground for Swearing for the First Time
Though Joshua was ultimately grounded, it seems this incident may have created a future comedian.