Second Paper Cut of the Week Triggers Studentâs Long-Awaited Mental Breakdown
“Basically, if you bring up anything except the weather heâll start shaking uncontrollably.â
Category Archives: Local
Northwestern Students Occupy Field to Protest Schoolâs Inaction Against Other Football Teams
âNorthwesternâs overreliance on outside zones cannot continue into the second decade of the 21st century.â
Criminal Arrested for Laundering Money Through Take a Penny, Leave a Penny Service
NUPD released a statement on Tuesday night that theyâd caught a Mr. Johnny âThe Mouse*â Bilderson, Evanstonâs most prolific criminal. Mr. Bilderson has 0 robbery charges, 1 money laundering charge, and 17 loitering charges on his rap sheet, making him the most dangerous criminal in Evanston history. Johnny was caught when it was revealed heâd been laundering money for the various Evanston crime families (colloquially known as âfraternitiesâ) through a âTake a Penny, Leave a Pennyâ service in a deli
Fueled By Mango Vodka And Room-Temp Lean Cuisines, Junior Writes The Next Great American Novel
Matthew Steinway, a junior majoring in Creative Writing, has written the next great American novel after a 76-hour writing session fueled by mango-flavored vodka and microwavable Lean Cuisine meals. With baggy eyes and jittery hands, Matthew tells the Flipside, âThe writing I produced during the session will be regarded as the literary event of the millennium. It is an anti-war, anti-capitalism, both pre- and postmodernist hodgepodge that explores the deepest roots of what it means to be human, as well
In Complete 180, The Daily Northwestern to Publish Names, Numbers, and Addresses of All Student Protesters
Weâre not going to let little things like âjournalistic integrityâ and ârestraining ordersâ stop us.
The Daily Rebrands to âThe Doily,â Northwesternâs Premier Crochet Interest Magazine
The Doily will still publish online every day, but print editions will only come out once every six years due to editorsâ commitments to crocheting cute little lace covers for every single copy.
Following Lead of âAvoiding Glutenâ Station, Allisonâs Kosher Station Rebrands to âAvoiding Sinâ
President Morton Shapiro, after consulting the University Board, released in a tweet that by 2020, Northwestern will be officially renamed âAvoiding UChicago.â
Searle Doctor Declares Dead Body âFineâ after Strep Test Comes Back Negative
âHer body may be slowly eroding, but thatâs a-okay, because she definitely doesnât have Strep!â said Dr. Lou.
Area White Man from the South Side– of Wilmette
Gilberts is just like any other Northwestern student–a young man with a dream; a dream of maybe getting a right swipe from Becca in Econ 201.
From the Archives: Op-Ed: William, ye Olde Wilde Cat, Thou Hast Awakened my Heart
From the moment mine eyes met thine, William, ye olde Wilde Cat, I was eternally enthralled. From then until the end of time, I was, am, and shall be thine.