Searle Doctor Declares Dead Body âFineâ after Strep Test Comes Back Negative
âHer body may be slowly eroding, but thatâs a-okay, because she definitely doesnât have Strep!â said Dr. Lou.
Category Archives: Local
Area White Man from the South Side– of Wilmette
Gilberts is just like any other Northwestern student–a young man with a dream; a dream of maybe getting a right swipe from Becca in Econ 201.
From the Archives: Op-Ed: William, ye Olde Wilde Cat, Thou Hast Awakened my Heart
From the moment mine eyes met thine, William, ye olde Wilde Cat, I was eternally enthralled. From then until the end of time, I was, am, and shall be thine.
Dorm Room Party Just Six Guys Playing A âBop-Itâ
âI think I misunderstood when he told me it was âgonna be a bop,ââ said Mendoza, âthey were all really into it too. When I tried to leave, one guy put his hand on my chest and told me âdonât stop the bop.â”
Whole Foods Announces New Margarine Substitute: âI Canât Believe Itâs Not âI Canât Believe Itâs Not Butterââ
âFirst margarine and now this? I didnât serve two years in the military, get dishonorably discharged, and move back in with my parents just for someone to confuse me with a quadruple negative!â
A Look Back: 15 Years Later, Poop Still Funny
“Fifteen years later, Dr. Parks has officially earned his doctorate in scatology, or in laymanâs terms, the study of poop.”
8th Generation Northwestern Legacy Student Just Spits on Application to Get In
With early decision deadlines looming, Jacob Weinberg Schapiro Ryan Fieldhouse McWilliecat VII, an 8th generation legacy, simply spat on his Northwestern University application, causing him to be accepted immediately. Admissions officers were amazed, calling McWilliecatâs application âoriginalâ, âhighly personalâ, and âphlegmyâ. âYou really canât get more unique than Jacobâs application,â said Leah Gascoigne, head of admissions. âHere we were, holding a physical part of Jacob. We really got a good idea of who he was, and immediately admitted him; even
Scandal Breaks as The Rock Is Discovered To Be A Legacy Student
âThat chunk of sandstone had some powerful friends. Thereâs no harm in me meeting with an applicant personally, sharing intimate secrets, exchanging phone numbers, and making secret handshakes. It gives the student no advantages whatsoever.â
Op-Ed: I’m Finally A ComEd Customer and Now They’re Gone
In all honesty, I donât know what ComEd is. I think itâs something to do with carpentry.
Plex Out of Dinnerware Again, Encourages Students to Eat on Floor With Their Hands
Blood mixed with yogurt as students clawed and growled at each other over the food Plex employees were dumping directly onto the tile.