âSure, Professor Pierceâs brutal divorce and struggle with alcoholism is sad, but how else was I supposed to clarify the minor typo in the grading policy?â
Schwartzâs mother said that she is supportive of Schwartzâs transition onto the 2D plane so long as she promises to call more.
The conflict most likely started when Jeremy Jones – the third-stickiest member of his kindergarden class – accidentally wiped his boogers inside the tree where Snuggles usually stores his acorns.
When asked what he liked about Thanksgiving, Winters commented, âIâm not feeling it this year. I mean, politics is crazy: climate change, gun violence, probably something else preventable is happening in Evanston.â
âYâknow, I saw that she wanted me to treat her with a modicum of respect, and I was like, woah bitch, youâre kinda asking a lot. Crazy much?â
âUncle Bob just drinks consistently throughout dinner, but occasionally he says âCheers!â and clinks his wine glass and his vodka tonic together before downing both,â says Brenda.
“Basically, if you bring up anything except the weather heâll start shaking uncontrollably.â
âNorthwesternâs overreliance on outside zones cannot continue into the second decade of the 21st century.â
NUPD released a statement on Tuesday night that theyâd caught a Mr. Johnny âThe Mouse*â Bilderson, Evanstonâs most prolific criminal. Mr. Bilderson has 0 robbery charges, 1 money laundering charge, and 17 loitering charges on his rap sheet, making him the most dangerous criminal in Evanston history. Johnny was caught when it was revealed heâd been laundering money for the various Evanston crime families (colloquially known as âfraternitiesâ) through a âTake a Penny, Leave a Pennyâ service in a deli
Matthew Steinway, a junior majoring in Creative Writing, has written the next great American novel after a 76-hour writing session fueled by mango-flavored vodka and microwavable Lean Cuisine meals. With baggy eyes and jittery hands, Matthew tells the Flipside, âThe writing I produced during the session will be regarded as the literary event of the millennium. It is an anti-war, anti-capitalism, both pre- and postmodernist hodgepodge that explores the deepest roots of what it means to be human, as well