Local Man’s Quirky Zoom Background Not Enough To Save His Failing Grade
“I don’t know who he thinks he’s impressing. It was sorta funny the first week of class, but now it’s just pathetic,” said concerned classmate John Masters.
Category Archives: Local
Op-Ed: Why Using My Asshole As A Zoom Background Is An Artistic Statement
What better way, then, to light aflame the hearts and minds of my classmates than by plastering my puckered ass skin all over their laptop screens?
Area Student Wearing Propeller Hat in Zoom Lecture “Doing Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?”
“It’s like she used this tired gimmick to distract us from how self-isolation is deteriorating her mental health,” said her classmate Darrell Jamison, RTVF ‘22. “The propeller looks pretty funny, but I’m not laughing. I’m concerned.”
Snooty Weinberg Professor Announces Spring Quarter Universal Fail Policy
“Due to the intense rigor of this course and the extreme inefficiency of my remote teaching, all students will receive a grade of No Pass on their transcripts regardless of their performance in the class this quarter.”
Freshman Just Referred to Professor as His “Teacher”
“There’s no way I can associate with him anymore. We’re in college now, bro. We have professors, not teachers. It’s just so childish,” said Jacob Villanueva, before heelying away.
“Well, well, well, who’s laughing now?” Says Student Spending Spring Break in Tiny Deep Sea Capsule
“They all called me ‘Jenny the Weirdo,’ ‘Jenny the Deep Sea Freak,’ ‘Jenny-the-girl-who-got-her-head-stuck-inside-a-beaker-during-a-bio-lab,’” said Smeely, “Oh how the tables have turned!”
Daily Northwestern Breaks 15 Day Streak of Not Publishing Anything Racist
From heavily censoring the coverage of political events, to publicly accounting the suffering of “taking the train and sitting next to POOR people,” the Daily has a proud tradition of standing up for what is right.
98% of Chemistry Classes Fail Bechdel Test
I don’t think a conversation passes the Bechdel test if a man says, ‘but actually,’ every time the professor or I try to get a word in.
Students Gather to Shoot the Shit, Survive Methane Explosion
Chunks of a plastic Port-A-Potty were strewn across Sheridan Road after students decided to meet up and shoot the shit to decompress on a Friday night.
Child Disintegrates after Disgruntled Mother Confiscates Her Hydrogen Atoms
“The whole thing really started when she called me a moron. I thought fine, if that’s so funny I’ll just take your boron”, said Mrs. Brantley with a chuckle, who has a dual degree in chemistry and poetry.