Circle Circle Dot Dot Cooties Vaccine Enters Testing Phase
Playground researchers have managed to develop an experimental vaccine using top notch Crayola Magic Marker technology, reducing the risk of cooties transmission by up to 30%.
Category Archives: Local
Classics Curriculum Of English Class Updated To Include All Wattpad Fanfics Opted For Film
In the wake of Wattpad fanfictions like The Kissing Booth and After becoming blockbuster teen movie franchises, one English teacher is leading the charge to get these works of literature where they belong: on the “Classics” section of her syllabus. Keri Schroeder, an Evanston-area high school teacher, first heard of Wattpad in 2019 when some drama students in her classroom “wouldn’t shut up” about how hot the Harry Styles fanfic they were reading was. “At first I was beleaguered, bemoaned, distraught, and in a
20 Years After Recess Tag Ending, Local Woman Remains “It”
“I can’t go out in public anymore. People scatter away from me like I’m a shark in a school of minnows, or as if I passed gas on the rush hour train.”
Popular Twitter Comedian Way Too Excited to Post Face Reveal
After gaining his 90,000th follower, funniest_memes_central tweeted out, “Thanks everybody! 10,000 more follows and I’ll do a face reveal!”
“Socially Liberal But Fiscally Conservative” Econ Bro Supports Women, Calls Female Professor A Bitch
She wasn’t even that hot.
White NU Students Excited to Abolish Greek Life and Oversee the Construction of Near-Identical Social Groups
Well known for their prompt correction of social issues, fraternities and sororities immediately responded to the situation once they reached the adequate threshold of personal shame.
Chick-fil-A Done Being Nice
The employees have responded positively to the changes, even going above and beyond their required training when it came to stripping customers of their morale.
Man Trying to Be Healthier Accidentally Buys Overripe Bananas, Must Bake Them into Banana Bread
Fuffler promised that his diet will be “all uphill once I finish this loaf.”
Dad Encourages Black Mold Growth in House to Create Dorm Experience for Quarantined Freshman Scheduled to Live in Bobb
“Every day I hose down the walls. Then I turn on the heat on low, so we can marinate in the humidity.”
Local Sophomore Sexiles Self Just for the Nostalgia
Weinberg Sophomore Sarah Tennant is not on campus this quarter, but she has found one way to bring a little bit of the college experience home: by forcing herself out of her room while her “roommate” has someone over. “I realized that online classes and virtual hangouts with friends weren’t enough,” she said. “What I was really missing was awkwardly sitting in the dorm lounge trying not to think about my roommate and Kyle from Econ and what they’re doing