Responding to Sadness that $5 Tuesday is Over, Morty Launches Invest $5 in Fossil Fuels Friday
“We are always looking for more ways to engage the student body in capitalist brainwashing.”
Category Archives: Local
Op-Ed: I Will Be Suing Northwestern Because My Marriage Pact Didn’t Propose On Valentine’s Day
9:14 P.M. Wednesday. November 25th. I’ll never forget receiving that fateful email: “Your optimal Northwestern Marriage Pact match is…” When I opened the email, I initially thought it was a joke–I mean, we only had 69.420% compatibility! And I’d never even heard of this guy. I mean, “Chad Fratman”?? Sounded totally fake. But Chad messaged me almost immediately, saying, “Hey bby girl u got snap” accompanied by a picture of a really cute thumb in a turtleneck. So, of course, I immediately
I Prefer Meeting People the Old-Fashioned Way, by Hiding Inside the Hall Washing Machine Until Someone Needs to Use It
“Long ago, our ancestors bided their time by their schools’ washing machines, riding out spin cycle after spin cycle in the hopes that their perfect match would need to wash their delicates and fill a void in their life too.”
Mini Humidifier Working Hard
“My face is flakier than Northwestern’s male population, and my knees and elbows are so cracked that James Franco could get trapped down there for 127 hours.”
Ask Flippy: My Dad Finally Came Back After 17 Years, Is He Telling the Truth When He Says He’s a Cicada?
“My dad claimed that he is a cicada and that he needed to hibernate for 17 years.”
Professor Who Talks about Bridgerton in Class Has Not Gotten to the “Wildest Dreams” Sex Scene Yet
Bennett can only cringe in embarrassment knowing that while her professor loves Daphne’s character arc in the first few episodes, she will soon watch the protagonist cum in two minutes with zero foreplay.
Quiz: Are You Named Steve?
Steve, baby, you can’t have completely forgotten about the day we had together.
New Study Shows Over 200% of Northwestern Students Ignore the “One Book” Emails
“Such emails serve absolutely no purpose, other than reminding the majority of students how shitty they are for not reading whatever book it was that they were supposed to.”
Ask Flippy: The Econ bro I hooked up with requested me on LinkedIn, what should I do?
What should I do? I didn’t even know I had a LinkedIn.
BREAKING: Instead of CTECs, Northwestern Students May Now Rate Classes by Selecting One of Dante Aligheri’s Nine Circles of Hell
“My econ professor gave us an assignment to freeze for all eternity,” remarks an anonymous sophomore.