Northwestern Implements New Rectal COVID Testing
Northwestern Administration figured there may as well be an enjoyable experience at the end of the long-ass wait.
Category Archives: Local
Morton Schapiro Offers U.S News & World Report ‘One Last Quickie’ Before Retirement
In his last year as the President of the Northwestern University, Morton Schapiro has announced that he will exit with a literal bang. After a series of complicated negotiations that incidentally involves a Flipside negotiator losing his innocence to U.S. President Joe Biden, Morty has finally allowed our journalists to check out the process of his last ditch attempt to bump Northwestern up to #8 on the U.S. News & World Report’s Best Colleges rankings. “You know, it’s not easy being the
The Rock Revealed to be Kidney Stone Passed by Mr. Medill
“I lost a good amount of blood that night. I was ready to put it behind me. And now you nerds are painting it for acapella auditions.”
‘You Matter,’ says President Schapiro as he Snarfs Down Hotdog Number Three of Welcome Back Speech
“Our team has worked very hard on today’s lunch menu and we hope it will help to foster a brighter, more vibrant community,” he said, while reaching into his coat pocket for a hotdog.
Students Release Collective Sigh Of Relief After University Acknowledges “Strange And Unprecedented Times”
“It’s just really nice to know they care, you know? To know that they recognize how hard this has all been.”
Three Undergrads in a Trench Coat Attempt to Walk into Kellogg
“I asked the kid on top why he was nine feet tall,” Marty continued. “He stuttered for a bit before responding that it was some sort of hormonal imbalance. He also kept going on about how he was pursuing a Masters in “Money” in order to support “local businesses” like VibeQuest and The Table.”
Compass Group Offers NU Dining Union Print-outs of NU Flipside Articles as Health Plan
Unfortunately, the articles were so life-threateningly unfunny, they are thought to have been able to transmit dysentery.
Tragic! Sophomore Forgets Classes Are in Person, Whips Out Dick in Discussion.
We were going over Come Slowly – Eden by Dickinson, when suddenly Richard pulled it out and came fast
Close Call! North Campus Resident Narrowly Escapes Willard Party Before Hearing a Single Showtune
Chase’s “bro” and unofficial domestic partner Frad added, “And the only ‘hol they even had was Manischewitz. If I wanted to get slightly tipsy and puke up grape juice I woulda just gone to my sister’s bat Mitzvah this weekend like I was supposed to.”
Wildcat Geogame Under Fire from UN After Claiming Saxony “Part of Greater Poland”
The geogame clarified, “Bolesław I the Brave, Duke of Poland, claimed Saxony for Greater Poland in 1002.”