From The Archives: An Op-ed: Why Do Our Croquet Players Get Donkeys To Ride Around Campus? They Are Dreadful!
They are a plague on this campus – the likes of which have never been and will never be seen again.
Category Archives: Local
Groundhog Day to be replaced with Morty Day where he pokes his little head out of his house
âPlus, this really isnât so differentâMr. Shapiro nibbles on sticks with the best of âem.â
COVID test burglary results in one swab for everyone to share
In the aftermath of the theft, the one swab, dubbed âOle Faithfulâ, could be found lying underneath the ransacked shelves of its fallen brethren.
Local Mobster Can’t Believe You’re Asking Him If He Stole 4,500 COVID Tests On The Day of His Daughter’s Wedding
âAuthority. Betrayal. And super-spreader events.â
Ask Flippy: What if President Blank’s Lawn isn’t Large Enough to Protest On? What if Her Windows Shut and Her Doors Lock??
Plus, old white people love their lawns, and Iâve heard that garden gnomes make for great projectiles.
Local South Campus Manâs Legs Too Thin, Gangly to Walk All the Way to Tech
Passersby described him as âpathetic,â and having âlimbs that look like a strong breeze could either break them or just blow them off altogether.â
Ask Flippy: My Boyfriend Wonât Stop Screaming U Rah Rah! During Sex, How Do I Make It Stop?
“At first, I didnât mind, since Iâm tremendously committed to school spirit.”
University Answers Mental Health Pleas, Hands Out Adult Coloring Books, Gold Star Stickers
“I wouldnât have minded more Kleenex, and maybe a little bit of Prozac, but I canât complain.”
University Rolls Out Squid Game-Style Competition to Secure Spot on CAPS Waitlist
âWeâre eliminating so much more than just students,â one local administrator explains. âWeâre eliminating the stigma around mental health here on campus. Weâre doing real work here.â
Willard Residents Have âNight of Their Livesâ After Drinking 2 Trulyâs and Singing Showtunes by the Piano
Reports indicate that this party, which lasted through the night (2 AM), was more of a celebration of the theatre (âpronounced thee-ate-her, you classless hack!â), and definitely not a one-up contest of who was the better Tevye in their high schoolâs production of Fiddler on the Roof.