From a universe where nothing ever goes wrong: I have a mouth, but I don’t need to scream :)
Well golly-gee-good-morning, world! My name is John J. Johnson, and I have the best life ever!
Category Archives: Local
Somebody Put Ben Down He’s Drunk On Star Power
Everybody’s seen somebody go on a power trip before. Police officers when they pull over people, that kid that was supposed to watch over the class while the teacher went out to go use the bathroom, Joseph Stalin, just to name a few. But never before has a power trip been as dangerous as this one, never before has one rush of authority to somebody’s head been as dangerous as this. For God’s sake, somebody put Ben down, he’s drunk
Op-Ed: Norovirus Outbreak In Elder Hall Comes To An End As I, Diego Guerrero, Become The Last Surviving Elderite
It continued until the outbreak ended and I returned to my dorm to realize that I, Diego Guerrero, have become the last surviving Elderite.
If We Want to Save America, We’ll Have to Put on the Best Talent Show That This Town’s Ever Seen
RACHEL BERRY: Freezing federal funds? Pardoning rioters? Detention center in Guantanamo? Donald Trump has gone too far this time.
Op-Ed: Look How Quirky I Am, I’m Drinking From a Silly Straw and Speaking in Tongues
“I’m not like other girls” I think to myself as I sip my almond milk latte from my silly straw, listening to the least popular Lana Del Rey songs on Spotify. My laptop is adorned with quotes from shows obscure enough that people are impressed that I know about them, but not so obscure that they can’t recognize them and shower me with praise. And, if that’s not enough, I’m possessed by an ancient Babylonian demon and levitating and speaking in tongues.
To My Teachers: Maybe It’s Good That I’m Not Using My Full Potential
Maybe I’m the only thing that stands between the world and the madness that is me.
Breaking: Theatre Kid Pretty Sure “Defying Gravity” is what an Orgasm Feels Like
“I’d only read about it in that book about my changing body my parents gave me when I was 13,” he told Flipside. Although he admits to doing some “online studying” about the subject before he came to Northwestern, he insists that was just so he could be better prepared in case the school put on a production of Cabaret.
The Things I’d Do to Get a Tunnel Under This School
While the snow, accelerated by the wind, stabbed me over and over again in the eyes this week, I realized one thing: Northwestern needs a tunnel.
From The Archives: How To Get Betty-Sue To Give You A Handy-Dandy Down By Lover’s Lane, 1951
Now, I’m sure you have a lot of questions that ma and pa didn’t quite answer.
Confused Frat Boy High Fives Girl After She Confesses She Has an IUD; “Right on dude I have two of them”
Ms. Penleggs reported a noticeable shift in the man’s face. He “finally stopped looking at my tits and looked me in the eyes for once,” then immediately dapped her up, proudly confessing, “oh hell yeah dude I got two of those myself.”