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From The Archives: dirt for plants. sky for birds. stone for tools. all for one thing. but why penis used for 2 things

I man in cave old times each day go get meat for family drink water and sleep at night. Some day think of world and wonder. Man think a lot in time. Look at ground. Dirt for plants. Look at sky. See only birds. Stone useless. Unless for tools. Everything used one think only. Makes sense to man. One to one. But man confused. Man look down. Why penis used for two things.

I think I’m going to eat a squirrel. They’re looking sumptuous.

It flashes before my eyes. A streak of gray, a small chittering sound, and a set of wide eyes entice me. My mouth waters, soaks in anticipation. I must eat. The hunger consumes me, ravages my body. I am as ravenous as a skeleton waiting for its next indigestible meal. I lock eyes with the creature, my prey. It chomps on its acorn, daring me to bite. Oh squirrel, I must devour you! The sumptuous squirrels on this campus are

Poll: Are students ready for the mandatory One Book Northwestern test tomorrow?

“I’m not sure. I’m just glad I marked it in all three of my calendars — gcal, notion, and my Clue period tracking app — months ago when they told us about the test in the first place. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had heard about it the night before, maybe from a friend, or an Instagram post. You know that sinking feeling when you know you’ve forgotten something of incredible importance?”

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