Potential Biden Cabinet: President-Elect Eyeing SkyÀllsborg, Jill Biden Believes Grönkulla Matches Kitchen Counters Better
“Biden confused reporters with his inability to clarify whether he was talking about a person or furniture.”
Category Archives: Featured
Pfizer Reports Vaccine Effective For 90% of People! Other 10% Contract Chlamydia.
Over the last 8 months, the world has anxiously awaited the development of a cure for COVID-19. However, Pfizer has announced a new vaccine that successfully protects 90% of all people who take it against COVID-19. While many see this as the end-all to coronavirus, others are skeptical over the efficacy of the vaccine. âEver since I signed up to test the vaccine, my balls have been itchingâ, said Jay Mast, who asked to remain anonymous, âat first I thought
Local Frat Bro Clarifies His Body Enters âHeterostasisâ When He Goes to Sleep
In an official statement released last week, a local frat brother has clarified that his body enters âheterostasisâ when he sleeps. Thaddeus St. John, a second-year member of Hetta Hetta Rho, put out the official statement last Tuesday after his biology seminar. âIt has come to my attention that most people enter a âhomo stasisâ when they fall asleep,â St. John wrote in the statement, which he posted to his Instagram story on Tuesday afternoon. âI just want to clarify
âNo, The COVID Swab Doesnât Really Go Into Your Brain. Trust Me, I’d Know,â Says Local Man Once Abducted By Aliens
“These aliens, their probes went up my nose directly into my brain, and sucked big pink chunks of it out into an examination tube. I actually only have half a brain now.â
Sad White Guy Has a Guitar and is Making it Everyone’s Problem
“Campus police have had to confiscate or outright destroy over 70 acoustic guitars in the name of aural preservation.”
Local Woman Unsure What Eye Color to Put on Driverâs License Because Her âEyes Actually Change Colorsâ
âI used to think they change based on my mood, but now I think they actually change with the phases of the moon,â she continued.
Former PBS Kid Goes Wild on Election Night, Tries Processed Sugar
Raised on a steady diet of Curious George and hand-cut carrot sticks, Montessori reportedly decided to turn to the sweet relief of processed, chemical-laden sugary snacks as a management tactic for his election anxiety.
Report: Everyone Definitely Noticed That Word You Mispronounced While Reading Aloud
âIt wasnât even a difficult word to pronounce,â Simmons admitted. âI just wasnât prepared to be called on to read.”
Breaking: President Schapiro Allows First- and Second-Year Students to Visit Campus Once âAs a Treatâ
âAll first- and second-year students can come visit campus once this winter, if they want,â said Schapiro. âYou know, as a treat.â
Pence blames prostate exam on his exploratory phase in college, tells wife âI will do better next timeâ
What started as a routine check-up turned into an experience unlike any other, except maybe one other.