Category Archives: Featured

Ask Flippy: How do I quietly warn tour-going High School students what they’re getting into?

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Dear Flippington, If you haven’t noticed, it’s that time of year again. All the high schoolers are lining up like lambs to the slaughter to visit our wonderful campus. But they don’t know the horrors. Those guides won’t tell them about the last-minute dining hall crowds at 7, they won’t tell them about the religious zealots on Sheridan that try to trick you into giving them your soul through free coffee, and they sure as hell won’t tell them that

Read more Ask Flippy, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 392, Opinion, Year 17

From The Archives: dirt for plants. sky for birds. stone for tools. all for one thing. but why penis used for 2 things

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I man in cave old times each day go get meat for family drink water and sleep at night. Some day think of world and wonder. Man think a lot in time. Look at ground. Dirt for plants. Look at sky. See only birds. Stone useless. Unless for tools. Everything used one think only. Makes sense to man. One to one. But man confused. Man look down. Why penis used for two things.

Read more Archives, Featured, Latest News, No. 392, Year 17

Heroism: Local Woman Explains Manifesting to Homeless Person

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After driving five minutes from her Evanston home to Target, 26-year-old Rebecca White noticed what seemed to be an unhoused neighbor standing by the door. The woman then told the man that she could alleviate his suffering through one simple process: manifestation. “I normally would have just walked by, but today I heard one more voice than usual inside my head and it told me to talk to this unhoused man, that it could change his life,” she said. “So

Read more Business, Entertainment, Featured, Local, No. 391, World, Year 17

I think I’m going to eat a squirrel. They’re looking sumptuous.

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It flashes before my eyes. A streak of gray, a small chittering sound, and a set of wide eyes entice me. My mouth waters, soaks in anticipation. I must eat. The hunger consumes me, ravages my body. I am as ravenous as a skeleton waiting for its next indigestible meal. I lock eyes with the creature, my prey. It chomps on its acorn, daring me to bite. Oh squirrel, I must devour you! The sumptuous squirrels on this campus are

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 390, Opinion, World, Year 17

Poll: Are students ready for the mandatory One Book Northwestern test tomorrow?

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“I’m not sure. I’m just glad I marked it in all three of my calendars — gcal, notion, and my Clue period tracking app — months ago when they told us about the test in the first place. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had heard about it the night before, maybe from a friend, or an Instagram post. You know that sinking feeling when you know you’ve forgotten something of incredible importance?”

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 389, Year 17
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