Category Archives: Featured

Northwestern Student’s Unique Accommodation: “I’m Allergic To Any Dorms That Don’t Rhyme With Kincoln Or Lemper”

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Northwestern prides itself on being very accessible and accommodating students’ needs, no matter what they are. However, one student’s recent accommodation has administration racing to research this unique condition. “I’m allergic to any dorms that don’t rhyme with Kincoln or Lemper,” a rising sophomore claimed. The student further explained that he needs to be placed in dorms that specifically fit this designation, or else there would be serious consequences. “I would probably spontaneously combust,” the student said, when asked what

Read more Featured, Local, No. 364, Year 16

Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog! Goofy Trapped In Industrial Oven At Keebler Factory

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Goofy, the beloved ensemble member of Disney’s Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and various other properties, has been trapped inside of an industrial oven at the Keebler Factory. The titular performer and father of one called 911 at 8:32 A.M this morning, emergency services shared. This strange circumstance follows weeks of tension and political hostility in Florida, where Governor Ron DeSantis has attempted to uproot the Walt Disney Company by removing their tax exempt status and arresting a Stitch mascot, who was

Read more Entertainment, Featured, No. 363, Year 16

Disney Adult Disaster: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Scroogepublicans Suspend Two Daisycratic Representatives Over Mouseketool Protest Participation

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“It’s not fair to think that taking away people’s rights to a Mouseketool is justified,” Scroogepublican Speaker of the House Cameron Pete said. “I mean, sure, they’ve led to the deaths of thousands upon thousands of both children and adults. But what’s that in comparison to sweet, sweet Benjamins lining my pockets? Those uppity Daisycrats should learn some respect for our fine governing body — and the financial benefactors whose gracious hand controls all policy.” 

Read more Featured, Nation, No. 363, Year 16

Op-Ed: I Found Out Dance Marathon Wasn’t An Actual Marathon AFTER Doing The Cha-Cha Slide For 26.2 Miles

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It wasn’t easy. Sometimes, I felt my elbows revert to jogging elbows. But I re-focused and got back into my rhythm every time. I had some other struggles when I reached Chicago, such as bumping into people when I followed the lyrics of “slide to the left.” I felt self-conscious when I had to clap my hands in rapid succession – people definitely stared. Yet, through all those trials and tribulations, I persevered. When I completed those 26.2 miles, I cried tears of joy.

Read more Featured, Local, No. 362, Opinion, Year 16
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