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Category Archives: Entertainment

CBS Execs Confirm R-Rated “Young Sheldon’s Big Bang” Coming March 2024

October 5, 2023 Adam Leif Leave a comment

Despite the ongoing SAG-AFTRA strike, CBS executives have announced that “Young Sheldon” star Iain Armitage will appear in an R-rated spinoff movie, “Young Sheldon’s Big Bang”, in March 2024. The movie will feature Armitage as an eighth-year super senior rushing a frat, boofing a keg, and subsequently finding the love of his life in the cancer ward of a hospital. CBS Chief Marketing Officer, Watchmi Mouvi, explained the network’s thought process behind the movie. “You know, when it comes down

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 372, Politics, Year 16

BREAKING: Pete Davidson Now Dating God, States: “She’s Fine In Bed, I Guess”

October 3, 2023 Flippy Leave a comment

When asked to comment, the stand-up comic maintained that a gentleman “never bangs our Lord and tells”.

Read more Articles, Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 372, Religion, Year 16

After Success Of Barbenheimer, Studios Prepare For Next Creation: “Bratz-Jong Un”

September 27, 2023 Kyra Lesmerises Leave a comment

“We have much more in store,” the studios commented, “including a limited-edition Kim Jong Un Bratz doll with matching missile accessories.”

Read more Articles, Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 371, Year 16

Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog! Goofy Trapped In Industrial Oven At Keebler Factory

April 14, 2023 Adam Leif One comment

Goofy, the beloved ensemble member of Disney’s Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and various other properties, has been trapped inside of an industrial oven at the Keebler Factory. The titular performer and father of one called 911 at 8:32 A.M this morning, emergency services shared. This strange circumstance follows weeks of tension and political hostility in Florida, where Governor Ron DeSantis has attempted to uproot the Walt Disney Company by removing their tax exempt status and arresting a Stitch mascot, who was

Read more Entertainment, Featured, No. 363, Year 16

As Climate Crisis Intensifies, Jonas Brothers Re-Release Hit Song As “Year 2100″

March 3, 2023 Ilana Arougheti Leave a comment

The new track features a sick freestyle verse from Greta Thunberg, remixed over the death wails of a choking sea turtle.

Read more Articles, Entertainment, Featured, No. 361, Year 15

New York High Schoolers Compete to Date DiCaprio: “We Need Someone to Buy Us Beer”

March 2, 2023 Ilana Arougheti Leave a comment

“We needed someone to buy us beer,” said Josie Cuervo, a junior. at Stuyvesant High School. “Then my friends and I heard Leo DiCaprio was sniffing around for younger women to date. Seemed to me like this might be the beginning of a beautiful partnership.”

Read more Entertainment, Featured, No. 361, Uncategorized

Director Christopher Nolan Releases 5th Chinese Spy Balloon in Order to Create a World War III Film Without CGI

February 20, 2023 John Jameson Leave a comment

Nolan said that the new movie will, “be 3 hours long, feature Cillian Murphy, and require 6 rewatches just to grasp the plot.”

Read more Entertainment, Featured, No. 360, Year 15

Penguins of Madagascar Arrested on RICO Charges

January 30, 2023 Allison Rauch Leave a comment

“Moto Moto does not like the FBI.”

Read more Entertainment, Featured, No. 358, Year 15

“You want a what?” Tappa Tappa Keg Brother Fails to Serve “Negroni, Sbagliato, with Prosecco in it”

November 18, 2022 Flippy Leave a comment

Confused. Disturbed. Upset. These are how people felt after the incident this week at the TTK darty. Following the event last Saturday at TTK, several brothers are under fire for their poor bartending abilities after being unable to serve the “drink of choice” of several attendees. Though the Panhellenic Council has asked for an apology, TTK has failed to issue a statement. Grant Liepzig, the brother manning the keg, stands by his tending-performance. More focused on “bringing good vibes” than

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Local, No. 356

A&O Blowout Reveals Featured Artist to be a Framed Picture of Jacob Collier

October 16, 2022 Xanthe Brown One comment

Collier, known for his intricate harmonic arrangements and the ability to bore nearly anyone’s date, will be traveling all the way from the color printer in Norris to Welsh-Ryan Arena to perform at Blowout this year.

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Local, No. 352, Uncategorized

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