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Category Archives: Entertainment

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Kama Cerebrum: Three Tips for Your Oral Pleasure

November 18, 2009 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure. 1.

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Lack of Brains Ensures Safety of Jersey Shore Cast

November 18, 2009 Flippy Leave a comment

MIAMI, FL — Much to the relief of Jersey Shore fans everywhere, it has been confirmed that due to the lack of brains to be had throughout the group, they will all most likely be safe during the zombie apocalypse. So will the people who watch the show. When asked how she felt about being able to survive the zombies, Snooki’s immediate response was, “Behhhhhhhh. Are any of them gorilla juiceheads?” Jwoww agreed, but was upset that the zombies would

Read more Articles, Entertainment, No. 46

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Apocalypse Happens, Joan Rivers Somehow Not Infected

November 18, 2009 Alex Hampl Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD – The Zombie Apocalypse appears to have finally occurred, yet at least one human will make it out alive. Joan Rivers, the television personality and actress, is reportedly in good health and spirits following the zombie epidemic.

Sesame Street Turns Forty, Still Playing with Children

November 16, 2009 Chase Sund Leave a comment

CHICAGO—This week, Sesame Street, which brought America wonderful things like “The Letter W” and “The Number 9,” is over the hill. The beloved television program planned to celebrate its 40th birthday with cake and parties until Sharon Kim began to questions its involvement with children. “It’s just not right, a 40-year-old playing with children in dark alleyways,” stated the mother of three. Kim’s comments have drawn interest from parent organizations all over the country, and Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) has

Read more Entertainment, Issue 22, Year 2

Linguist Stumped by New Soulja Boy Song

November 14, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

BOSTON—Thomas Fine, a linguistics professor at Harvard University, reported that he was “stumped for the first time in his life” after trying to analyze the words in Soulja Boy’s new single, “Trix be smackin my 24s, nah?” After a full perusal of the song’s lyrics, Fine concluded that the rapper’s lyrics “do not match up with any sort of language ever observed in the vast canon of human speech.” Fine began his press release by speaking on Soulja Boy’s rhyme

Read more Entertainment, Issue 22, Sci/Tech, Year 2

Disney Slays Mickey Mouse, Reveals Evil German Replacement

November 8, 2009 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

ORLANDO, FL—After announcing plans to retire its trademark cartoon, Disney unveiled yesterday its new icon, Mick Maus. A company spokesperson, Sven Britton, said the change is indicative of Disney’s shift in target audience from the family sector to surly teen-aged douchebags. According to Britton, Maus’s newly-penned back story details his past as a juvenile delinquent. “He wears a lot of black. He blows cigarette smoke in your face just because he can. He’s generally the type of tool you take

Read more Entertainment, Issue 21, Year 2

1859 EDITION: Hipster Refuses to Listen to Brahms; “Popular Music is an Abomination”

October 19, 2009 Chase Sund Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Up-and-coming composer Johannes Brahms keeps pumping out the pop hits, but some of today’s hippest youths simply are not buying it. Despite the popularity of his breakout hit “Piano Concerto No. 1,” these so-called hipsters are avoiding Brahms at all costs. “He’s just so commercial, you know?” said 19-year-old Bartholomew Hibbons. The youth, sporting straightened black mutton-chop sideburns, continued, “It’s just so predictable. Honestly, if I hear another A minor with a raised sixth and augmented ninth chord I think

1859 EDITION: Fiction Review: On the Origin of Species

October 19, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

This week’s book is an enthralling epic narrative by Charles Darwin entitled On the Origin of Species, in which the protagonist travels on a fantastical voyage to a magical island off the coast of South America. While on the surface this story may seem to be one of a slightly eccentric man cavorting with animals, as would the character of a children’s book, it is my belief that much literary significance can be found in many of the characterizations. The

Poster Sale Purchases More Interesting Than Buyers

October 9, 2009 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything… No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as

Tyler Perry Makes Movie About Black People

September 25, 2009 Chase Sund Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD—Lionsgate Entertainment announced Tuesday that filmmaker Tyler Perry has plans to create a picture about African-Americans. The movie is to be released in theaters on October 23rd, but most critics are surprised that it managed to break free of the “straight-to-DVD” branding of most “stupid” movies. “This is a huge step forward in filmmaking,” said Cornelius Jones, a Lionsgate executive. “Never before has there been a film geared mostly towards an ethnic audience about a single ethnic group. [Perry] is