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Category Archives: Entertainment

Area Nerd Still in Search of Hogwarts Application

May 6, 2010 Emilia Barrose Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts. Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications. “Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how

CW to Make Show About Pretty White Girl with Problems in Big City

April 18, 2010 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD—The CW has announced that come this fall they will air a new show called My Problems, a sitcom about a rich white girl placed in a new environment. The creator hinted at plot points including the main character meeting mostly white friends with one minority represented, one of her male friends turning out to be gay, and a tough decision between two gorgeous men. Nicole Gottlieb, a CW spokesperson, remarked: “We at the CW felt that we didn’t have

Mayfest, Hillel Bring Regina Spektor, Rabbi Joseph to Dillo Day

April 18, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—With students at Northwestern’s hea-a-a-a-a-a-rts already broken in excitement for Regina Spektor, Mayfest announced its second headliner for 2010 Dillo Day: Rabbi Joseph. Famous for songs like “Shabbat Shalom!”, “Dreidel, Dreidel,” and “Give Me a Fucking Break, Palestine,” Rabbi Joseph’s name was a hard-won prize for NU. As with Spektor, Hillel contributed a large portion of their vast funding received through various donations, matzah sales, and Ponzi schemes. At least thirty percent of campus is schvitzing with excitement; many others

Area Man Grows Weed in Farmville, Sells it to Mafia Wars

February 6, 2010 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Local farmer Buck Jansen was involved in a drug bust Thursday after selling marijuana to local mobster Joe Zamboni, authorities said. Jansen, a highly respected farmer in the area, is best known for his completion of Level Two Daffodil Mastery after just one day of farming. Locals are shocked at this sudden turn of morality. “Last time I checked his page, Jansen had rescued a lonely pink cow from his farm,” said Farmville resident Johnson Smith. “He was always willing

Anchorman Quotation Reaches Millionth Out-of-Context Use

February 1, 2010 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left his mouth, streamers rained down from the ceiling. Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” began to play as Bob Barker entered the small dorm room to make a

Read more Entertainment, Issue 26, Local, Year 2

Marine Biologist: Two Flippers Way Down for “Dolphin Show”

February 1, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers. The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of

Read more Entertainment, Issue 26, Local, Year 2

‘Snooki’ Denied Role as Oompa Loompa in Wonka remake

January 20, 2010 Chase Sund Leave a comment

JERSEY SHORE—Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.” Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro

Read more Entertainment, Issue 25, Year 2

Despite Troubles, Tiger Receives New Endorsement

January 1, 2010 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Image-conscious afternoon television host Jerry Springer formally announced Saturday that he has signed golf superstar Tiger Woods to a four-year, $25 million endorsement deal, ensuring that The Jerry Springer Show will have the backing of Woods’ now-considerable white-trash marketing power for the foreseeable future. “Let’s face it, Tiger is now the most marketable and well-liked athlete for my audience,” Springer said. “He’s someone who exhibits many of the lowlife qualities our show presents on a daily basis. It’s an honor

Area A Cappella Group Leaves on Paralyzed Member to Gain Similarity to “Glee”

January 1, 2010 Chelsea Finger Leave a comment

EVANSTON—James Norton woke up in the hospital Sunday morning after new group N(e)Urythmic’s Saturday night performance with two full leg casts and a throbbing headache. Nick Simons, a fellow group member, charged him with a baseball bat while he was changing out of his sequined leotard. The motive was apparently related to the wild success of Glee, the new Fox television program. Simons said this morning that he just couldn’t stand the pressure of the Northwestern a cappella world. “Nothing

Theater Major Actually Thinks I Saw His Show

January 1, 2010 Corey Moss Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Northwestern University prides itself on its nationally acclaimed theater program. Widely recognized by students across the country, Northwestern theater prepares young artists to cope with rejection, the typical outcome of real-life performance auditions. One hopeful freshman, Jeff Sachs, is actually convinced that I was aware of and had time to attend The Taming of the Shrew, a student-organized show he worked on. Sachs, a dazed theater major, clearly faltered in logic with that thought, failing to recognize that my attendance