Turns Out Club Penguin was Muslim
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.
Category Archives: Entertainment
Swiper Joins Tinder, Morally Conflicted
A tiny Dora sporting devil horns appeared over his right shoulder, chanting “Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping. SWIPER, NO SWIPING!”
Wolf Blitzer Shouts “Breaking News” Before Taking Shit
Members of his family have repeatedly tried to help Blitzer break his “bad habit,” but all attempts at doing so have been fruitless.
Waa-Mu Cast Dies of Dysentery
“If it’s not dysentery, it’s cholera. Or exhaustion. We even had four different potential cast members break all of their legs in separate, unrelated incidents.”
Mayfest Confirms Collard Greens as Dillo Indie Act
“We’re very excited to have Greens at Dillo,” commented Anderson. “We’ve been watching her grow for a couple years and she’s poised to break into the indie scene any decade now.”
Bear from The Revenant Beats Leo for Oscar
In an unprecedented turn of events, the Oscars have handed the Best Actor award to a non-human, who in fact was not even originally nominated for the award.
Commencement Speech Moved to a Weeknight at 12:35/11:35c
“After selecting Meyers as the 2016 commencement speaker, we aimed to create a truly authentic and comfortable atmosphere for everyone’s favorite engaging persona.”
Area Student Enlists Dad as Wingman
Faced with the possibility of dragging his loathsome virginity into the third month of college, Thompson requested that when his dad comes for Family Weekend, he brings his game.
Wide Receiver Christian Jones all too Aware of Drop Deadline
“You can’t blame receivers for dropping classes,” said offensive coordinator Mick McCall. “We try the best we can to work with them on the fundamentals, but dropped classes are just part of the academic game.”
A&O Blowout Canceled due to High Winds
The inclement weather had only been predicted for several weeks, so the winds and rain took the concert organizers by surprise, and the event was shut down.