Category Archives: Entertainment

Trump Appoints Young Sheldon as Head of Homeland Security

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Since November 5th, the president-elect has made several controversial picks for top positions, including Elon Musk heading the so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE). However, even many in Trump’s inner circle have objected to his latest and boldest choice: a literal fourteen-year-old child as Secretary of Homeland Security. Sheldon Lee Cooper, of Medford, Texas, turned down a Ph.D. in physics at Caltech to join the incoming administration, saying that “the decision was a no-brainer after Meemaw took me to visit

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, Latest News, Nation, No. 396, Politics, World

Trump Creates New “BOOM Department” For Bombing His Enemies, Appoints AJ & Big Justice As Secretaries

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While some may have missed the announcement in between Trump’s creation of an “Efficiency Commission” and appointment of a sex criminal to lead the government’s law enforcement agency, the president-elect notably created a “BOOM Department” for bombing his enemies and named AJ & Big Justice as its foremen. Trump originally met AJ & Big Justice while he was working the McDonald’s drive thru. The father-son pair ordered everything on the menu for one of their viral videos and proceeded to

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 395, Politics, World, Year 17

From the Archives: “Goo Goo Ga Ga,” Says Barack Obama, 1

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We aren’t sure why, but we sat down with an infant by the name of Barack Hussein Obama II to talk all things economics, healthcare, and political reform. You know, of course, that international political demagogues and malefactors are intent on condemning the United States government’s attempts to establish liberty and democracy abroad as “imperialist.” Within the confines of your philosophy, how do you think we should best approach diplomatic relations with foreign nations whose ethical principles conflict with American

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 393, Politics, Year 17

Heroism: Local Woman Explains Manifesting to Homeless Person

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After driving five minutes from her Evanston home to Target, 26-year-old Rebecca White noticed what seemed to be an unhoused neighbor standing by the door. The woman then told the man that she could alleviate his suffering through one simple process: manifestation. “I normally would have just walked by, but today I heard one more voice than usual inside my head and it told me to talk to this unhoused man, that it could change his life,” she said. “So

Read more Business, Entertainment, Featured, Local, No. 391, World, Year 17

Ask Flippy: Do you think Damian Lillard says “It’s Dame Time” before he has sex?

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Dear Flippy, After watching Damian Lillard win the NBA All-Star 3-Point Contest for the second straight year, a burning question came over me. He’s always introduced with the phrase, “It’s Dame Time!” and then he points at his wrist accordingly. It’s cool, it’s fun, whatever. But I began to think about its real life applications. I’ve heard that Lillard is as clutch in the sheets as he is on the court. Thus, do you think he says, “It’s Dame Time!”

Read more Ask Flippy, Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 386, Opinion, Sports, World, Year 16

The Little Lesbian from Boygenius cast in “The Sandlot” Reboot following Hiatus

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While more recent movies have used digital technology to “de-age” their actors, Coen says that isn’t a worry for his “Sandlot” film. “We actually have to age her more. When we did a costume fitting, she left in the middle of it to go to craft services and security got called four times because they thought she was an unaccompanied minor.”

Read more Articles, Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, No. 385, Year 16

5 Minute Crafts Debuts Tutorial On How To Mold Soft Infant Heads Into Nice Centerpiece Vase

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The social media page “5 Minute Crafts” has been known to post some kooky content in the past ranging from weird to downright insane. It’s almost like the channel has lost its way and has sacrificed pragmatism for clickbait. Their latest creation, though, is no mere fluff piece. 5 Minute Crafts finally reconnected with their roots and debuted a tutorial we can all appreciate: “How to Mold an Infant’s Soft Skull Into a Nice Centerpiece Vase.” Normally, children are loud,

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, No. 385, Sci/Tech, Year 16
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