Professor Too Busy Rekindling Marriage to Grade Midterm
âHonestly itâs just been me spending more time at home and making married life feel less empty, but itâs definitely for the best.â
Category Archives: No. 214
Sophomore Remains Unfazed by Read Receipts on âHeyâ Texts
“I’m sure she’s just busy. Or playing hard to get. I get that from chicks a ton.”
Fraternity to Move Thursday-Night Rapes to Off-Campus House
“We are encouraged by recent efforts enacted by the Interfraternity Council (IFC). We feel this will curb sexual assault on campus, and effectively push it off campus,â remarked Patricia Telles-Irvin.
âWeâre Doing Our Best,â Says Administration that Provides Frats On-campus Housing
âSexual assault allegations in an on-campus residential hall are best handled with strongly worded campus-wide emails and whatever an âawareness workshopâ is.â
Sex Week Comes Early, Organizers Embarrassed
âFrankly, we, the organizers of Sex Week, were just as blindsided as the students. The whole thing just blew up in our face. It was a complete mess.â
Turns Out Club Penguin was Muslim
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.
Demographically Clueless Republican Enters Evanston Mayoral Campaign
âIâdespite being a straight, rich, white male conservativeâfeel like I can be the best ally to people upset at how the world chews up and spits out the little guy.â
Non-Area Student Visits Campus
Over the weekend non-area student Alex Jackson visited Northwesternâs campus. Sources indicate he was somewhat impressed.