Suspicious Alligator-Shaped Crate Arrives on Fraternity Doorstep
āIt could be booze. Or girls. Iām not sure how to identify other types of stuff.ā
Category Archives: No. 212
Area Man’s First Words “Midterms, Fuck” After Waking from 2 Week Coma
The 30-year-old nurse at Evanston Hospital who had responded to the patientās question, described the events as ānothing like I have ever seen before.ā
Econ Major Relies on āInvisible Handā to Choose Apartment
“Given the counterintuitive nature of economic forcesāand how they seem to be a reasonable substitute for proactive decision making at the Cato InstituteāIām bound to get a good place.ā
Area Freshman Still Not Sure Why Nancy M Cunniff Keeps Emailing Her
Freshman Savannah Grant told reporters she has been receiving unsolicited e-mails from a mysterious ListServ for over four months now.
Librarian Judging You as You Miss WildCard Scanner
āAny more than a couple swipes and I immediately value you less as a human being. Iām kindāve ruthless.ā
Swiper Joins Tinder, Morally Conflicted
A tiny Dora sporting devil horns appeared over his right shoulder, chanting āSwiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping. SWIPER, NO SWIPING!ā
Trump Sees Widespread Protests, Resigns
āTrump has always been a very sensitive soul and he has always cared very deeply for the opinion of the American people.ā
Northwestern Basketball Finally Relevant Enough to Disappoint
āThis isnāt what weāve come to expect from the team. Iām really not sure how to explain itā, said head coach Chris Collins, visibly perplexed by the teamās current record of 16-4.
Women’s March to Conveniently End at Neiman Marcus
“Many of us have returns in our trunks and theyāre having a great saleā20% off to accommodate the 20% less we get on our paychecks.ā