UChicago Frats Deny Racism, Point to Black Neighbors
“Yeah. We’re totes coolio with the blacks.”
Category Archives: Year 8
Chris Christie Drops Campaign, Picks up Sandwich
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently announced that he will be dropping his presidential campaign and picking up a sandwich.
Plex Held Valentine’s Settlers of Catan Tournament
Sources report that attendance at the event exceeded expectations.
Op Ed: All I Want For Valentine’s Day Is The Title IX Complaint Dismissed
I’ve learned that even the best of mentors or the most Peruvian of hallucinogens can’t necessarily help in a situation as dire as mine. Some storms must be weathered alone.
Freshman Breaks Arm Skating, Norris Ice Rink Not Safe Space
After paramedics arrived to whisk Carlson off to the hospital, Norris staff made the decision to shut down the rink indefinitely.
Trevor Siemian Shakes Keys at Panthers
Reports from the sidelines at Levi’s Stadium confirm that during the opening kickoff for Sunday’s Super Bowl 50, Trevor Siemian could be seen shaking his keys at the North Carolina Panthers fan base.
Quarterback Who Only Won Five Games Last Year Headed To Super Bowl 50
Many Northwestern fans have expressed their surprise that the man who recorded more interceptions per game than he did scores has a legitimate chance at earning a championship ring in his first professional season.
Study: The Best and the Brightest Can Still Be Pretty Dumb
In his research, Dr. Critter has studied numerous incidents where Northwestern students have repeatedly done things that are “just plain stupid.”
Area Student Disturbed by Lack of Stress in Life
“There’s just so many hours in the day. I always have time to complete my homework five days in advance, attend four meetings a day, and sing my baby sister to sleep on the phone.”
Santorum Pulls Out
“This isn’t the first time in my life that I have pulled out,” he said. “In fact, I believe that I have become an expert at judging when to pull out.”