Marginalized Voices Thankful to Be Misrepresented By Mainstream Sympathizers
“It’s awesome to be dragged along as a convenient symbol in a self-righteous display of social awareness.”
Category Archives: Year 8
Op-Ed: Who is Daniel and Why is He Damned?
“I’m not entirely sure, but “white Vans” sounds like a drug reference, and I’m worried that this Daniel is addicted to meth or heroin, which really would be damning.”
Birds Fly Back South
“Northwestern’s birds are some of the best and brightest in the school’s history, and if they’re fed up with the cold, it may be best not to leave your Canada Goose back in Santa Barbara.”
Nate Silver Correctly Predicts Next One Book, One Northwestern
Sources have recently confirmed that FiveThirtyEight founder and famous statistician Nate Silver has once again correctly predicted which book One Book, One Northwestern will use for its incoming class of freshmen.
Residential Services Removes Doors In Attempt To Increase Inclusion
“By permanently opening up all rooms through a stringent door-removal process, each hall will grow immensely as a community.”
Morty: Tuesdays now Mondays, Wednesdays now Fridays, Saturdays now Thursdays, and Every Other Friday is a Sunday
“At Northwestern, we work to be an exemplary institution, and I think a big part of that is demonstrating that our students and faculty have no difficulty adjusting to the random allocation of days without regard to traditional calendars.”
Flipside Endorses Jim Gilmore for ASG President
While it is true that Governor Gilmore has not formally announced his candidacy for ASG President, his recent United States presidential campaign indicates he is open to leadership roles.
ASG Candidate’s Embarrassing Middle School Recess Footage Leaked
ASG Presidential candidate Mark Nox has announced that he would be suspending his campaign following the leak of an embarrassing Middle School recess video by an anonymous source.
Seventeen-Thirty-Eight Projects Fetty Wap to Win ASG Presidential Election
“Black House, they love me! Hilel, they love me! Social Justice Warriors, they love me! Morty himself, he loves me!”
Koch Brothers Fund ASG Candidates
Recent reports by the Illinois Election Committee have revealed that all of the candidates running for ASG President are being funded by the Koch Brothers.