Fitz Runs Out of Virgins to Sacrifice
Coach Fitz allegedly sacrificed his last virgin during the Minnesota game.
Category Archives: Year 8
BREAKING: Couple Upstairs Really Going At It Right Now
Reports from Allison Hall coming in just moments ago indicate that a couple upstairs is, in fact, really going at it right now.
Biker Really Didn’t See You There
An area biker apologized today, confessing that he really didn’t see you there. This apology follows a near-collision that occurred on the sidewalk in front of the Jacobs Center.
Psych 101 Study Participation to Include 10 Hours of Physical Labor
“To really take advantage of this participant pool, we need a dedication to improving our university – in the form of free labor.”
Roommate Actually Does Care If You Hit the Lights
“Every night, he asks so innocently if he can hit the lights, and every night, I casually say it’s okay. But deep down, I actually do care.”
STUDY: 100% of Statisticians are Awesome
“The results of this study were exactly what we expected.”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus Walks on to Dolphin Show Cast
Although she gained extensive acting experience while living there, she plays it down, saying that most of it was really just “some show about nothing.”
Area Freshman Wondering Why College Is So Easy
The Orange County, CA native informed the rest of her hall-mates that after nine AP classes, SAT tutoring and solving the state’s water crisis she’s slightly disappointed Northwestern hasn’t proved to be more of a challenge.
Area Freshman Weighs Nutritional Benefits of Cheez-Its vs. Cheese Nips
The freshman Economics major, who is looking for a low-sodium but flavor-filled cracker, hopes to start the school year off right with the ideal cheesy snack.
Sophomore Already Emptied Block Meal Plan
Chen had indeed been spotted frequently in C-stores, as well as buying several swipes worth of food at Frontera on more than one occasion.