How to Celebrate a Non-Denominational Reading Week
One person’s devout library pilgrimages certainly differ from another’s five-day festival of intoxication.
Category Archives: Year 8
Uncle A Little Too Interested In Your Hookups
Throughout Thanksgiving dinner, your uncle repeatedly led the conversation back to your fall quarter hookups, asking questions that nobody at the table wanted to hear.
Freshman Returns to Find Room has Been Turned into Sex Dungeon
After years of what Turman’s mother referred to as “boring, missionary sex,” she was finally ready to “take off the mom jeans and put on the edible underwear.”
Area Freshman Goes Home, Feels Smart Again
As she packed her bag to return to her rural Wisconsin home, sources report that she confided to a friend that she “feels insanely stupid” at Northwestern.
Willie the Wildcat: I’m William Now
“I felt that all the running on the football field and high-fiving everyone in sight was just a bit too childish for me. I believe it’s time to focus on more serious things.”
ISIS Claims Responsibility for Student’s Panic Attack
Social media accounts linked to the terrorist group posted a statement that in part read: “let this attack be a message to all infidels and pre-meds: no GPA is safe from our jihad!”
STUDY: No One Drunk Enough for RCB Formal
Following the annual Residential College Board’s Formal held at Chicago’s Children’s Museum, a recent study found that very few of the attendees had pre-gamed the event.
Governor Rauner Warms Hands by Fire of Burning Quran
“These Qurans sure burn hot and fast.”
BREAKING: C-Store Sushi Contains Traces of Fish
Authorities have preliminarily declared that the presence of fish in the sushi poses no danger to consumers, though Northwestern administration has already launched an investigation into possible implications.
Study: Everyone Best Friends with Their Roommates Except You
A recent study released by the Northwestern University Psychology Department shows conclusively for the first time that everyone but you is friends with their roommate.