Area Pothead Disappointed to Learn Meaning of “Bowl-Eligible”
Sources confirmed that area pothead Sean Elvin, SESP ’19, was gravely disappointed to learn the real meaning of a “bowl-eligible” football team.
Category Archives: No. 175
Freshman Saving Free CAPS Sessions for Winter Quarter
Local Freshman Josh Camas, WCAS ’19, has been held up in his room at Willard for the past three weeks.Camas has been going through bouts of anxiety and depression following his start at Northwestern.
Former Premed Claims Distaste for Big Pharma Caused Dropping of Chem 101
“Big Pharma runs everything, man. Those capitalist pigs are ruining the world”, exclaimed Kurt Lopez, WCAS 19’, to his roommate just seconds after dropping chem 101 on Caesar.
Halloween Not Nearly as Scary as Constant Threat of Failure
Halloween, the scariest holiday of the year by a long shot, is widely considered by undergraduate students to be less scary than the constant, looming threat of irreversible failure.
Student Can’t Get Off ISIS Listserv
“They had a cool flag and free candy, you know? I looked at their info and thought helping to establish a caliphate might look good on a resume, so I signed up for their listserv.”
Sexy Morty Costume for Sale at Norris Bookstore
Multiple sources confirmed today that a Sexy Morty Schapiro costume is being sold at The Norris Center Bookstore as part of its Halloween promotion.
Midterm Wine-and-Dines Student Before Fucking
News broke out today that a Chem 210 midterm allegedly wine-and-dined local Chemical Engineering major Tom Vogel, MEAS ’19, before relentlessly fucking him over.
Wide Receiver Christian Jones all too Aware of Drop Deadline
“You can’t blame receivers for dropping classes,” said offensive coordinator Mick McCall. “We try the best we can to work with them on the fundamentals, but dropped classes are just part of the academic game.”