Type 2 Diabetes Traced Back to Neanderthals, Herpes Still Totally Our Bad
Category Archives: No. 129
A Modest Proposal (for the Heating of the Evanston Area)
Guest columnist Jonathan Swift proposes a simple and effective solution to Chicago winters: student bonfires.
Dorm Exec Member Way Too into Being Dorm Exec Member
Local Shuttle Regrets Leaving You Behind
“It pained me to leave that student behind. The expression on his face as I drove away is frozen into my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. I can’t sleep at night. I’m a failure,” said the shuttle.
NASA Reveals You Are More Likely to Catch Space Shuttle Than Frostbite Express
Sochi Olympics Debuts New “Extreme” Winter Sports
President Putin has graciously permitted athletes to wear flame-retardant clothing, but notes that only pussies will do so.
Snowden Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize; Assange: “What the Fuck, Guys?”
God Denies Ever Creating Ken Ham
“The Bible says I said ‘let there be light,’ not ‘let there be Ken Ham,’” God wrote in a brief statement to the press.
Local Girl Wears Balaclava, Looks Surprisingly Spectacular
A well-informed fashionista with her own fashion tumblr, she was aware of the stigma surrounding the garment. However, for once in her damn life, she decided her safety was more important than fashion.
NSA Keeps Watchlist of “Bomb Proficient” Angry Birds Users