“There are many universities whose teams’ names fully encapsulate everything their students aspire to be—the Cornhuskers of Nebraska, the Volunteers of Tennessee, and the dumb-as-nuts Buckeyes of The Ohio State University,” commented Jim Phillips, Vice President for Athletics and Recreation.
Although there won’t be any more controversial cookies, if any members of the too perfect and altogether brilliant class of 2017 are absolutely terrified, prepare yourselves. Recruitment 2014 is happening.
Guest contributor John Evans has some choice words for those who’d tarnish his legacy by remembering all those things he did.
After analyzing the data, Chanis was shocked to find the most common response being “the lack of consistent Wi-Fi” (31%), outpacing even the expected “I don’t have the time” response (24%) and the “I’m not a motherf—–g pervert!” retort (22%).
Alcatraz to be retrofitted to house Elder’s cafeteria; nobody minds.
“[The Band is] totally turned on by victory,” said Tom, a Medill junior who would not give his last name. “And by big sticks,” he added. The Marching Band is believed to be entering a new relationship with the Women’s Field Hockey Team.
“I just could not comprehend how this idiot couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that there is absolutely no correlation between authoritarian rule and speed of economic development,” O’Donnell later told police.
While Schapiro failed the definitive Packard-Woller Extraterrestrial Examination, the Tanzer-Pfaff Jewish Ratio found that the name “Schapiro” has the requisite 5:3 proportion of consonants to vowels, denoting a 78% probability of Jewishness.
Student Affairs has been maintaining surveillance on every married Northwestern student since PTI’s hiring in 2011. This is the first affair uncovered in the history of the division.